A little hiatus

Wow, I can’t believe it has been so long.

Hello ALL!

I am back.  Ready to start blogging again and putting some thoughts on paper.  What a ride this thing called life is.  I am so glad that I get to have so many shoulders to lean on.  Heaven knows I have needed them.  I have learned SO incredibly much these last few years.  I guess going through incredibly hard things brings strength in ways if we allow it.  My hope for this blog is a place where I can share my thoughts, lessons learned and my journey-  that it may help you in some way.  We need each other.  That is one of the many things I have learned.  With that-

 We need to do some filling in...

Emma Violet was born 10.26.16 (on her due date I might add).  She was a beautiful, dark haired, big eyed, chubby baby.  I was able to have a VBAC delivery and things went pretty well.  Pretty well meaning I add a lot of PTSD from Boston’s death.  My mind played a lot of tricks on me when Emmas was born.  I kept calling her him and she looked so much like Boston.  It was really hard.  I left the hospital within 24 hours which was a huge mistake because hours after I got home I was taken back via ambulance to a closer hospital and re-admitted.  The verdict: Panic attack/ complete emotional, physical, and mental breakdown.  I hadn’t slept in days and after Emma was born I wouldn’t let myself sleep because Boston got sick during the night then died the next day.  I guess in my head I was terrified that was going to happen to Emma as well.  It was so sad to leave Emma at home only being 1 day old and overnight, but we survived.  I learned from that I need to take care of myself or else I can’t take care of anyone.  After a prescription for depression/anxiety medicine and a night of sleep I got to go home.

That baby has grown into an active, emotional, curly-haired, 15 month old, and has been the perfect addition to our family.  Mason and her are the best of friends and I love watching their relationship grow each and every day.

I sit her just 2 days shy of celebrating our boys 3rd birthdays.  I can’t even let myself go there to saying boys (plural).  Still not sure how we celebrate Boston’s birthday and Mason’s birthday onthe same day?  The last few birthdays we decided to celebrate Mason only, then on February 7th which is Boston’s death date we usually do a family Boston day.  I guess I just don’t want to be sad on their birthday.  I think that would be too hard.  Time is hard.  Pain and grief change, but whoever said time heals?  I am not so sure about that at this point in time.

I have had a good “first” this week that I want to share.  I was able to talk about Boston for the first time in front of a larger group of women on Sunday and I didn’t even cry.  I am a teacher in my church and get to prepare and teach a lesson once a month.  This month my lesson was a talk that was given at General Conference and it was about service.  I felt so proud as I stood at the podium and showed them a picture of my perfect, precious son and now guardian angel.  I shared with them his story, his life and how I am trying to serve for him the entire month of February.  I asked them- just like I want to ask you- to join me.  To serve in honor of Boston sometime during the month.  I am excited to see the good we can do together.  You can share your act of service on Instagram using the hashtag servingforboston.  No matter how small your act is, please share!  By small and simple things are great things come to pass.

PLEASE JOIN ME!

 I NEED YOU.

 YOUR FRIEND/NEIGHBOR/FAMILY MEMBER/STRANGER NEED YOU.

SMILE, OPEN A DOOR, LEAVE A NOTE, GIVE A COMPLIMENT, BAKE COOKIES, SPREAD JOY, DONATE SOMETHING, WRITE A NOTE, DO SOMETHING.



#servingforboston

THIRTY TWO

How many weeks: 32, It's official, first time I have been pregnant this long.

 how big is baby: Head of lettuce, 19 inches 3.9lbs

Weight gain: Enough. 

sleep: Pretty good, starting to get more and more uncomfortable.  Insomnia is back, thanking the heavens above for diclegius.

cravings: Fresh peaches (tis the season), ice cream, chocolate.

Feeling: Good.  Tired.  Hot.  But good. High is supposed to be 100 today.  Went for a walk with my neighbor this morning and was so exhausted after.  How pathetic right?

gender: Girl

best moment of the week: WE FINALLY DECIDED ON A NAME!!  Can you believe that?  I surprised Heath with a getaway to the Grand America this weekend for his birthday and he got me bracelets with all three of our children's initials.  I have been wearing all of them except baby girls.  I can't believe I will soon be the mom to 3 beautiful, perfect babies.  What a blessing.

-I had so much fun planning Heaths birthday and making his big 30 special, I made him his favorite meal/dessert, surprised him with a date card and stay in SLC, we went to the Grand America Brunch, watched "Top Gun" which was released the year he was born and had so much fun spending one on one time together.  It was the first time we have left Mason overnight.

-Heath got to be home all week, definitely a good moment for the week

-Mason is talking up a storm and started saying words like Candy and my favorite is Amen.  He can now climb up on his rocking horse all by himself.  He loves to read his new baby books and yesterday at Heaths parents loved playing with Heaths old cabbage patch doll.  He looked at the baby and said hi baby then gave him a kiss on the lips.  He is going to be the best big brother.

Worst moments of the week: 

-trying to stay positive with my weekly shots but they are starting to bug me.  Five more to go.

-started having a few contractions this week and sharp shooting pelvic pains.

Looking forward to:

- finishing the nursery

-MEETING EMMA!

-Dr appt Friday- baby has been measuring a couple weeks ahead

-Getting headbands/bows

Random Thoughts:

-Getting anxious on how delivery day is going to go down.

28 weeks (ALMOST)

How many weeks: 27 + 5 days (ALMOST SEVEN MONTHS!)

 how big is baby: size of a cucumber 15 inches - 2.2lbs

Weight gain: 15 or so :)

sleep: Pretty good, starting to get more and more uncomfortable.  My back has been hurting at night and I just hate that feeling of having a hard time moving even laying down in bed.

cravings: Licorice.  Raisin Bran cereal- so random.  Not liking meat, yogurt, bread is even hard to eat sometimes.

Feeling: Good.  Tired.  Hot.  But good.  Mason has been having such a hard time sleeping as of late.  He recently fell flat on his nose on the pavement while pushing his lawnmower that blows bubbles.  It was a bad fall and to make matters worse, he had another little incident yesterday while visiting Heath's parents.  He was playing with cousins and escaped through the front door without us noticing and fell down 4 cement stairs.  He has a huge goose egg on the right side of his temple and it's still black and blue.  I hate when my little boy gets hurt.  It's the worst thing watching your children in pain and not being able to do anything for them.  On top of all of that he has a cold and I have been reading about sleep regression around 18 months, so who knows what's going on.  Last night I got up with him twice, rocked him and he fell asleep in my arms, but woke up when I put him back in bed, so Heath went in and rocked him and ended up sleeping in the recliner with him.  Mason kept saying Momma? In between sobs.  It's so sad, but heaven help me that he starts sleeping better. 

gender: All things PINK!

best moment of the week:  Oh man, we have had a lot of fun this last week with Heath being home the entire week!  It was a busy week full of ups and downs.  We went to the Uintahs last weekend and stayed at Heaths grandparents cabin.  My brothers and their families came and we even talked my mom into coming with us too.  We had so much fun spending time together away from all the distractions.  The days went by so slow and it was just so great.  We kayaked, fished, Mason couldn't get enough of the BOOM BOOMS (4 wheelers) and would cry every time we stopped or pulled him off.  I loved the cooler temps up there, having time to be alone with all my thoughts, fires, and being with my family.

-seeing Trisha and Kelsie

-mini golfing for our date night this week- THREE hole in ones for me!! WOO WOO

- We completed our two week swim lesson class with Mason.  It was so much fun and I really enjoyed playing with him in the water and watching him learn new things.  He went down the little slide, jumped off the side of the pool, went completely under water and it was such a fun two weeks!

- the nursery is coming along.... Slowly but surely.  I think we have a name, well we are closer to pick out her name anyways, it's between 2 now so that's good right?

Worst moments of the week: 

-My dad passed away last week on Thursday, his funeral was on Tuesday and it was a really emotionally hard day/week.  Everyone who knows me knows that I didn't really ever have a "Dad".  That being said though, his passing still brought on a lot of emotions.  We attended the viewing the night before and then the funeral the next morning.  My brother Justin spoke and did such a good job.  He said that my dad would be proud of us kids and he just did so good in such a hard situation.  I am sad that he died and that he suffered the last few weeks of his life.  I am proud that we are not ruined by his choices and actions and that the abuse, pain and fear ended with him.  It was a day of closure and honestly a day that my heart was softened.  My sister got to come and it was a busy few days with family, but oh so fun.

Looking forward to:

- Massage tomorrow.

-Dr appt Friday- big glucose test.

-Planning Heaths big 30 birthday party! 

Random Thoughts: 

-trying to complete my to do lists in prep for baby, 

-how do my kitchen floors get so dirty?

-wishing there were more hours in the day. 

Week 24

How many weeks: 24 (SIX MONTHS)

 how big is baby: size of a an ear of corn 8.5 inches and 1.5lbs

Weight gain: 15

sleep: Pretty good, I have been taking a miracle pill called Diclegis.  BEST. THING. EVER.  Had some insomnia this week, but not too bad compared to my previous pregnancy.

cravings: Licorice ( any kind), bean burritos, ice cream

feeling: Good.  Tired.  I'm taking full advantage of Mason's afternoon naps lately.  I feel like I can't get through my day without a nap.  I finally cleaned out Mason's closet/room.  I did what I have been dreading and moved Boston's crib to the new baby's room.  Boston and Mason's nursery looks so empty, I hate it.   The first thing Heath said was why did you move it out?  I had to be done at some point.  Trying to adjust to Mason's new room.  He will always share it with his brother, even if his brother isn't physically there.

I also had a massage this week which was MUCH needed.  My massage therapist is the best and I honestly don't think my muscles have ever been so tight and then so relaxed after.  It was the best massage I have ever had!

gender: GIRL

best moment of the week:  We've had so many fun moments this week with it being the 4th of July holiday.  We had a little stay cation 1 hour south of our hometown, took Mason down the alpine slide in Park City (which he loved!), ordered breakfast in bed which was the best $40 I have ever spent!  It was so fun and something I have always wanted to do.  I felt okay about spending that much since we didn't have to pay to stay at the hotel.  Heath's job does have some perks. :)

-taking Mason to his first parade was so fun.  Magical really.  He had no idea what to think of all the noise and people throwing candy.  It was fun.  That being said fireworks were that much more magical.  We let him throw pop its and Heath put on a firework show for us, my mom, and sister and her kids.  Mason loved that too and didn't move a muscle the whole time.  The town fireworks he liked too, but he was delirious by the time they started.

-Having someone else besides my husband give me my progesterone shot.  Hahaha Heath would laugh reading this, but it's true.  We had a slight issue with our last shot.... Let's just say the bruise/hematoma is still there and it's almost been 2 weeks ago... Poor Heath, such a good sport, we were taught so terribly on how to give it and he just has hated giving them to me.  I have the sweetest RN who is a friend of a friend that has offered to give them to me.  It went over so much more smoothly.  Still is a huge pain in the butt.. Quite literally, but oh so much better.

Worst moments of the week: 

-Mason fell off the bed pretty badly while we were staying at the hotel.  It was so awful and I felt terrible.  There was a side table right next to where he fell and it was a pretty good drop.  He got a bruise on his arm and because it was dark when he fell I couldn't really see where he hit when he landed.  MOM FAIL.

-Heath having to go out of town for work after spending the last 11 days home with us.

Looking forward to:

- Dr appt Friday, always nice to see how the baby girl is doing

-hitting 28 weeks (week of viability) I have been having fears of having this baby too early.  I hope it's just be being anxious.

-Mason's swim lessons next week.

-Candice's bridal shower Saturday!.

Random Thoughts: 

- Mason is finally walking!!! 

-I can't believe we will have a baby in 3 months or sooner.... Yikes! AM I READY? 

- I am so ready for fall... Too hot for this pregnant lady.

WEEK 22

How many weeks: 22

 how big is baby: size of a spaghetti squash 8 inches and ONE pound

Weight gain: 10 lbs

sleep: Pretty good, I have been taking a miracle pill called Diclegis.  BEST. THING. EVER.

cravings: Licorice ( any kind) Baked potatoes, lemonade, slurpees

feeling: Good.  Hot, but good.  It's been hot already this summer.  Temps are 90-100 degrees.  I feel like I'm melting.  Trying to prep for baby girl this week.  Cleaned all the carpets, bought her first outfit ( a romper), it's the cutest thing.  I need to move Boston's crib out of his and Mason's room and put it in the nursery/office.  I have been dreading this day... Maybe next week.

gender: GIRL

best moment of the week: We had such a fun weekend.  WE spent Friday night at the zoo for Heath's work party.  Mason got his face painted like a tiger, rode the carousel which he loved, went to the bird show and saw lots of animals.  Saturday we spent the day at surf n swim with Tom and Mark and Sunday was Father's Day so we spoiled Daddy with breakfast in bed and some new clothes.

Worst moment of the week:  Progesterone shot killed this week.  Heath is getting so sick of giving me the shots.  I can't say I blame him..... He gets so nervous every time he has to give one, which is weekly.  They are a pain, but he does a good job and hoping this will help me to carry this babe full term.  How great would that be?

Looking forward to: the weekend!

Random Thoughts: 

-I have been thinking about Boston a lot this week and wondering if him and baby girl are up in heaven together playing and getting to know each other.

- Mason needs to start walking. :). He walks, but only takes 10 or less steps

-trying to stay calm and collected.

IT'S A......

GIRL!!!

We had such a busy exhausting day.  Our appt today was so long and exhausting.  We spent over 2 hours at our appt and decided that we weren't going to find out the gender of our baby until later this evening when we did the gender reveal.  It was so fun, but so hard to wait.  Our US tech wrote the gender on a piece of paper and we took it to the store and had this sweet lady put whatever color balloons for either gender in a box and tape it shut.  We then headed to our house for the big reveal.  I thought for sure it was a boy because I thought I saw the "boy part" on our ultrasound.  I was so wrong.  We are so excited to welcome a baby girl to our family.  She will be the first granddaughter on heaths families side.  We have a lot of work to do to get ready for her, but we can't wait to meet our baby girl later this year.

Rainbows

February brought some good news to our family, REALLY good news actually.  I know Boston had his hands in it.  We found out on February 16 that we were expecting a baby.  Just a few days passed Boston's year angelversary.  This was such happy news during such a hard, dark, tear filled month.  Boston will never be replaced, but we are so excited to bring another baby into our family.  Ever since we found out we were expecting twins we felt like we were somewhat ready for two babies.  We have two babies, just only one baby got to come to this earthly home.  Heath and I both felt like we should have another baby as soon as we felt like it was right.  That feeling came quite fast and of course we found out we were expecting during "Boston's month".  It has been a difficult pregnancy.  Not only physically with morning sickness (more like all day sickness), throwing up multiple times a day, doing progesterone shots weekly (to help keep this baby in as long as possible), long drives to the U of U, emotionally being terrified of delivery and hopefully carrying full term, reminders of being pregnant with my boys, and so much harder being pregnant and having a toddler to take care of. BUT how blessed we feel to have the opportunity to bring another baby into the world.  God is good.