The tale of two trees

While Mason was being hospitilazed at PCMC we had a special friend come and visit us.  She gave us two of the same exact pine trees.  She said that the two trees symbolized each of our boys and that when we planted them we could watch them grow together.  I thought this was the most thoughtful and perfect gift.  Let me tell you more about these

 TREES

As we lived in the Ronald Mcdonald house, we didnt have any place to really keep these trees.  We took care of them as well as we could until we could get them home and plant them.  We finally got them home and it was now time to plant them.  We carefully took them and planted them in the same soil.  We gave them both the same amount of love and nourishment that they would need to flourish.  We planted them in the same pot and were anxious to watch them start growing.  Little did we know what would happen next.

What started out as 2 beautiful, green, very much alive trees, quickly became sick and withered.

The first tree became sick.  So much so that the tree died.  Very quickly.  We tried to do everything we could to save it, but it was too late... it had already gotten too sick.

Before we could blink an eye we realized that when the first tree died, the second tree became sick too.  Because the first tree had died, we had a more careful watch for the second tree.  We became more aware of where the tree was placed, if we were giving it enough water or not and any other things that could be going on.  You could imagine our dismay when the second tree started to become just as sick right in front of our eyes.  It was headed down the same path the first tree took.

The second tree got sick.  Very sick.  A lot of waiting to see what would happen next.  It took a lot of time to nurture back to health.  There were a lot of rainstorms and dry days that seemed like they were never going to end.  There were even days when we weren't sure if the second and our only tree left would survive the circumstances and be able to survive the elements that were taking place in its very roots.

A change (miracle) occurred....

The second tree started springing life.  Green leaves were starting to grow in the very smallest portion at the very tip top of the plant.  Hope was ensued.  As we nourished that tree back to health, it started springing more and more branches and leaves.  As time continues to move forward, this tree continues to grow bigger and healthier.

.

So, as the story goes with our twin boys.  I don't think its coincidence the path these plants took.  Our boys came into this world together healthy and very much alive.  Boston our first born got sick without any kind of warning.  The very next day Mason (the second tree) became sick, very sick with the same thing that had claimed the life of our first born the previous day.  It was a long road, with many hurdles to overcome to nourish him back to health, but as you can see with the tree.. everyday he continues to grow and spring new life.  This plant reminds me of the hope and life that Mason brings into our home.

-Love, the mommy of a special angel and his twin brother.

You will live forever in our hearts

Mason has been so darn cute these last few weeks...

I went in to get him up for the day and he was in his crib wide awake, looking up towards the ceiling just smiling and cooing.  I think he was talking to Boston.

He has been a little more fussy lately napping in his crib.  It's like he misses being snuggled up close to his brother.  I will go in and wrap my hands around his head and tummy and that makes him happy.  

Two nights ago, Mason was crying while trying to put him down for the night.  Heath wanted to rock him, so as he was rocking him Mason just couldn't keep his eyes off Daddy.  Without saying a word, Mason would just look up at his Dad and just kept giving him these big smiles over and over again.  It was the cutest thing.

He did the same thing with me last night as I was nursing him.  He just couldn't stop smiling.  These are the moments I want to freeze.

I have been thinking a lot about Boston this week. I miss him so much my heart aches.  I know Mason must too.  I keep thinking about the conversation I had with my 4 1/2 year old niece and how so nonchalantly she says, "April, I think Mason is crying because he misses his brother".

It seems like this week, more so than others Boston is more near.  Or maybe he's always near, this week I have just been recognizing it more.  What I would give to have him here with us.... until the day I get to see him again, he will live forever in my heart.

We love you and miss you everyday Boston!


Boston slideshow

Celebrating lives times two

Today was Mason's blessing day.  I have dreamed about having my baby blessed long before I ever had babies... better yet, long before I was even married.  As a young girl, I loved watching fast Sunday's where there would be a baby blessing in our ward.  I loved watching these cute Dads that held the priesthood go up and give their baby a blessing.  I always wanted to make sure I found a Man/husband/Dad that could bless our baby someday.

I did.

A great man/husband/dad too.

As I started preparing for this day weeks ago it only felt right to include Boston on this special day.  I decided that I would make a banner with each of their names and make sure to decorate with a picture of Mason wearing Daddy's necklace that has Boston's name on it.  It was perfect.

After preparing food, finding a blessing outfit, decorating, setting up, etc, etc, I felt like I wanted to go somewhere quiet where I could be alone with my thoughts.  This morning I woke up early and listened to some of my favorite hymns as I was getting ready.  Heath and I knelt at our bed and I said a prayer for us, a prayer for Mason and a prayer for Boston, that we would be able to feel him near.

Mason woke up all smiles this morning almost like he knew it was a special day.  Not almost, I know he knew it was a special day.  He is always such a happy baby, but last night he didn't get to bed until midnight so i was a little worried about what this morning would bring.  We got him dressed and ready and headed to the church.  While driving, I told Heath i had butterflies.  He said he did too.  We had been excited for this day, but sad that Boston wasn't physically here with us.  We knew it was going to be a day, yet again for all kinds of emotions.

We got to church and got situated.  Soon it was time for Mason to get blessed.  The church was packed seeing that there were 2 other babies getting blessed.  Mason was first.  Heath gave him a beautiful blessing and got emotional giving it.  I got emotional too.  My brother Tom who was also in the blessing circle said that Mason was just staring up at his Daddy the entire blessing.  I know for a fact Boston was there watching over his little brother.  I felt it.

I got up to bear my testimony. I had so many things that I wanted to say, but getting up in front of so many people gets me every time.  I have been feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for my family and friends.  We have had so much support.  I forgot to tell my sister Jill how grateful I am for her through this whole tragedy because she sadly enough knows my pain.  She lost her sweet boy Gage 4 years ago this year.  He was only 4 1/2 years old.  I have leaned on her a lot.  She gets it.  I forgot to tell Mason how grateful I am for him and for the opportunity that I get to be his mom.  He makes life so GOOD.  I cannot imagine life without him.  HE is the happiest, most pleasant personality, best baby.  I just can't get enough of him.  I love staring into his big blue eyes, singing "Hello" to him (which he loves) and seeing his big smile.  He lights up my heart and my life.

After church was over, my mom came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how proud of me she was.  She told me how strong I was and how awesome she thought I was.  She got emotional when she said it and it meant so much to me to hear that from her.

We spent our time afterwards with our family and friends.  Everyone loved holding Mason.  My niece Gentry got to hold him for the first time and was so excited about it.  Before she held him, she was talking to me while I changed Mason's diaper.  She told me that her Mommy was having a boy baby and that she wanted to name him Fischer.  Gentry said she didn't like that name and that she wanted to name her baby brother Gage.  She went on to say that she couldn't name him Gage because they already had a Gage, but he was dead.  It broke my heart to hear her say that.  I told her that she was about Mason's age when she was in the car accident that claimed the life of her brother.  We continued the conversation a few minutes later when she asked my what my other baby's name was again.  She asked where Boston was and I said he was in heaven with Gage.  She said and heavenly father right?  I said Yes.  She asked why?  I said because he got sick with a really bad infection in his tummy.  Mason started fussing just a little at this point and Gentry looked at me and said April, I think he is crying because he misses his brother.  It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard.  Child like innocence is the best.  I love that little girl.

Today was such a special day for my little family.  I have felt saddened as I dame home after the day was done and everyone had gone home.  I felt sad as i wondered what Boston would've looked like in his blessing outfit.  I felt sad thinking about the love that I have for Mason ans how that love just keeps growing with time.  Time i didn't get with Boston.

Today marked exactly 4 months to the very day that we watched as Heath and other members of my family gathered around Boston and gave him a name and blessing right before we took him off life support.  It was so noisy due to the ventilator that was breathing for him, but I am grateful Heath was able to do that.  We miss Boston everyday.  Today we celebrate the time we got to spend with Boston and the time we continue to spend with Mason.

One day at a time

Heath and I have been looking back at a lot of pictures from our "NICU" stays.  It was such a nightmare of a situation that I can't remember a whole lot about it.  It all seems so blurry.  I was in survival mode.  After losing one baby, then the very next day watching my second and last baby start getting sick with the same horrible thing and in that moment saying to myself, "Okay heavenly father, if you have to take Mason too I guess I will just have to figure he needed to be with his brother, but I'm going to be right here fighting for him to stay".  That moment while we were still at the NICU in Ogden and got word that the best thing for Mason at that time was for him to be transferred to Primarys.  I looked at Heaths face and pure horror came across his face.  He wanted to walk out and he said I cant do this again.  I looked at him and said I know, but we have to do it for Mason.  We stayed by Mason's side from here on out.  Blood work, fine we will stay.  IV, yes we were right there with him.  Blood transfusion, EKG, central line (we couldn't stay for that, but we would have).  I remember calling my mom and telling her Mase was being transferred.  She kept saying, NO. No.  Are you serious?  You could imagine the shock.  My brother Mark called and I said, yes we are going right now by ambulance.  I can't remember exactly, but it seems like our families were gathered in the waiting room at Primary's when we got there.  The same exact place where they had gathered the night before.

This is a picture of Mason the morning after we lost Boston, before we knew he was getting sick.

We were sent by ambulance to SLC.  I remember walking out of the hospital following my baby in his isolete being wheeled by the Primary team thinking is this really happening?  I had no idea the long road that we were just about to journey down.  What we had been through the previous day was enough to send one over the edge, but here we had to put ourselves a side and be strong for Mason.  I started out sitting in the back  of the ambulance with my baby while Heath was up with the driver.  We didn't get out of the parking lot before I had a wave of nausea come over me and had to switch Heath.  That was the longest ride of my entire life.  It was about 6pm and the city lights were too much for my bloodshot eyes.  The driver tried to make small talk to keep my mind off things.  He was a sweet man.  We finally made it to Primary's and Mason was wheeled into the very hall where we just had left the previous night after saying our final goodbyes to Boston.  I didn't want to ever see that place again, but again I had to.  For Mason.  

That night was L.O.N.G.  and the scariest night of my life not knowing if I was going to leave this hospital with no baby in tow.  We had arrived at Primary's just in time.  Mason started showing progressively worse signs.  He had a bloody stool, his blood gas levels were rising to scary levels, he was so pale, and started crying unconsolably.  The nurses would push on his stomach and he would wail out in pain.  They gave him pain meds to help calm him down.  In the meantime, watching Heath holding Mason while he was screaming with tears running down his face was one of the saddest things I have ever seen.  That was Heath's breaking point.  

The surgery team was prepping us for surgery so he would be ready if and when the bowel perforated.  They took at KUB (stomach x-ray) every 2 hours.  At midnight the x-ray didn't show any signs of improvement, but didn't look worse.  A relief.  The x-ray at 2 am would be critical in the actions that would follow.  Our families were still in the waiting room waiting to hear any word.   I would've loved to have heard the conversations in that room.  We would go out and update them, then go right back into Mason.  TWO am came and the technician came to do the x-ray.  Mason had calmed down at this point and was sleeping soundly.  The nurse that night made the comment that he was starting to look better and I couldn't help to agree. 

A MIRACLE HAPPENED.

The x-ray showed improvement and the Nurse Practitioner and Doctor on call said by the looks of it we had turned a corner!  We were ecstatic!  They said surgery team would still keep their eye on him, but that at this point in time it didn't look like we would be going down that road.  I will never forget walking in that waiting room to tell the news to our families.  When we walked in, I feel like they were trying to read our faces.  We hurriedly told them the news and shouts, cheers and pure relief filled the room.  We hugged each and every one of them.  They left for home and we stayed just down the hall in the NICU where they have a few rooms available for parents to sleep.  We were beyond exhausted.  Heath and I curled up on this tiny couch/ pull out bed type of thing and tried to get some rest.  The nurse promised to come and get us if anything changed throughout the rest of the morning.

Thank goodness it didn't.  We woke up a few hours later and went to Mason's bedside.  He looked peaceful and a lot better than the previous night.  he still looked sick, but better.  They came in to do rounds that morning and told us what to expect next.  The plan was to withhold feeds for 7-14 days and administered 2 different antibiotics that would help fight the bacteria in his little belly.