A little hiatus

Wow, I can’t believe it has been so long.

Hello ALL!

I am back.  Ready to start blogging again and putting some thoughts on paper.  What a ride this thing called life is.  I am so glad that I get to have so many shoulders to lean on.  Heaven knows I have needed them.  I have learned SO incredibly much these last few years.  I guess going through incredibly hard things brings strength in ways if we allow it.  My hope for this blog is a place where I can share my thoughts, lessons learned and my journey-  that it may help you in some way.  We need each other.  That is one of the many things I have learned.  With that-

 We need to do some filling in...

Emma Violet was born 10.26.16 (on her due date I might add).  She was a beautiful, dark haired, big eyed, chubby baby.  I was able to have a VBAC delivery and things went pretty well.  Pretty well meaning I add a lot of PTSD from Boston’s death.  My mind played a lot of tricks on me when Emmas was born.  I kept calling her him and she looked so much like Boston.  It was really hard.  I left the hospital within 24 hours which was a huge mistake because hours after I got home I was taken back via ambulance to a closer hospital and re-admitted.  The verdict: Panic attack/ complete emotional, physical, and mental breakdown.  I hadn’t slept in days and after Emma was born I wouldn’t let myself sleep because Boston got sick during the night then died the next day.  I guess in my head I was terrified that was going to happen to Emma as well.  It was so sad to leave Emma at home only being 1 day old and overnight, but we survived.  I learned from that I need to take care of myself or else I can’t take care of anyone.  After a prescription for depression/anxiety medicine and a night of sleep I got to go home.

That baby has grown into an active, emotional, curly-haired, 15 month old, and has been the perfect addition to our family.  Mason and her are the best of friends and I love watching their relationship grow each and every day.

I sit her just 2 days shy of celebrating our boys 3rd birthdays.  I can’t even let myself go there to saying boys (plural).  Still not sure how we celebrate Boston’s birthday and Mason’s birthday onthe same day?  The last few birthdays we decided to celebrate Mason only, then on February 7th which is Boston’s death date we usually do a family Boston day.  I guess I just don’t want to be sad on their birthday.  I think that would be too hard.  Time is hard.  Pain and grief change, but whoever said time heals?  I am not so sure about that at this point in time.

I have had a good “first” this week that I want to share.  I was able to talk about Boston for the first time in front of a larger group of women on Sunday and I didn’t even cry.  I am a teacher in my church and get to prepare and teach a lesson once a month.  This month my lesson was a talk that was given at General Conference and it was about service.  I felt so proud as I stood at the podium and showed them a picture of my perfect, precious son and now guardian angel.  I shared with them his story, his life and how I am trying to serve for him the entire month of February.  I asked them- just like I want to ask you- to join me.  To serve in honor of Boston sometime during the month.  I am excited to see the good we can do together.  You can share your act of service on Instagram using the hashtag servingforboston.  No matter how small your act is, please share!  By small and simple things are great things come to pass.

PLEASE JOIN ME!

 I NEED YOU.

 YOUR FRIEND/NEIGHBOR/FAMILY MEMBER/STRANGER NEED YOU.

SMILE, OPEN A DOOR, LEAVE A NOTE, GIVE A COMPLIMENT, BAKE COOKIES, SPREAD JOY, DONATE SOMETHING, WRITE A NOTE, DO SOMETHING.



#servingforboston

THIRTY TWO

How many weeks: 32, It's official, first time I have been pregnant this long.

 how big is baby: Head of lettuce, 19 inches 3.9lbs

Weight gain: Enough. 

sleep: Pretty good, starting to get more and more uncomfortable.  Insomnia is back, thanking the heavens above for diclegius.

cravings: Fresh peaches (tis the season), ice cream, chocolate.

Feeling: Good.  Tired.  Hot.  But good. High is supposed to be 100 today.  Went for a walk with my neighbor this morning and was so exhausted after.  How pathetic right?

gender: Girl

best moment of the week: WE FINALLY DECIDED ON A NAME!!  Can you believe that?  I surprised Heath with a getaway to the Grand America this weekend for his birthday and he got me bracelets with all three of our children's initials.  I have been wearing all of them except baby girls.  I can't believe I will soon be the mom to 3 beautiful, perfect babies.  What a blessing.

-I had so much fun planning Heaths birthday and making his big 30 special, I made him his favorite meal/dessert, surprised him with a date card and stay in SLC, we went to the Grand America Brunch, watched "Top Gun" which was released the year he was born and had so much fun spending one on one time together.  It was the first time we have left Mason overnight.

-Heath got to be home all week, definitely a good moment for the week

-Mason is talking up a storm and started saying words like Candy and my favorite is Amen.  He can now climb up on his rocking horse all by himself.  He loves to read his new baby books and yesterday at Heaths parents loved playing with Heaths old cabbage patch doll.  He looked at the baby and said hi baby then gave him a kiss on the lips.  He is going to be the best big brother.

Worst moments of the week: 

-trying to stay positive with my weekly shots but they are starting to bug me.  Five more to go.

-started having a few contractions this week and sharp shooting pelvic pains.

Looking forward to:

- finishing the nursery

-MEETING EMMA!

-Dr appt Friday- baby has been measuring a couple weeks ahead

-Getting headbands/bows

Random Thoughts:

-Getting anxious on how delivery day is going to go down.

28 weeks (ALMOST)

How many weeks: 27 + 5 days (ALMOST SEVEN MONTHS!)

 how big is baby: size of a cucumber 15 inches - 2.2lbs

Weight gain: 15 or so :)

sleep: Pretty good, starting to get more and more uncomfortable.  My back has been hurting at night and I just hate that feeling of having a hard time moving even laying down in bed.

cravings: Licorice.  Raisin Bran cereal- so random.  Not liking meat, yogurt, bread is even hard to eat sometimes.

Feeling: Good.  Tired.  Hot.  But good.  Mason has been having such a hard time sleeping as of late.  He recently fell flat on his nose on the pavement while pushing his lawnmower that blows bubbles.  It was a bad fall and to make matters worse, he had another little incident yesterday while visiting Heath's parents.  He was playing with cousins and escaped through the front door without us noticing and fell down 4 cement stairs.  He has a huge goose egg on the right side of his temple and it's still black and blue.  I hate when my little boy gets hurt.  It's the worst thing watching your children in pain and not being able to do anything for them.  On top of all of that he has a cold and I have been reading about sleep regression around 18 months, so who knows what's going on.  Last night I got up with him twice, rocked him and he fell asleep in my arms, but woke up when I put him back in bed, so Heath went in and rocked him and ended up sleeping in the recliner with him.  Mason kept saying Momma? In between sobs.  It's so sad, but heaven help me that he starts sleeping better. 

gender: All things PINK!

best moment of the week:  Oh man, we have had a lot of fun this last week with Heath being home the entire week!  It was a busy week full of ups and downs.  We went to the Uintahs last weekend and stayed at Heaths grandparents cabin.  My brothers and their families came and we even talked my mom into coming with us too.  We had so much fun spending time together away from all the distractions.  The days went by so slow and it was just so great.  We kayaked, fished, Mason couldn't get enough of the BOOM BOOMS (4 wheelers) and would cry every time we stopped or pulled him off.  I loved the cooler temps up there, having time to be alone with all my thoughts, fires, and being with my family.

-seeing Trisha and Kelsie

-mini golfing for our date night this week- THREE hole in ones for me!! WOO WOO

- We completed our two week swim lesson class with Mason.  It was so much fun and I really enjoyed playing with him in the water and watching him learn new things.  He went down the little slide, jumped off the side of the pool, went completely under water and it was such a fun two weeks!

- the nursery is coming along.... Slowly but surely.  I think we have a name, well we are closer to pick out her name anyways, it's between 2 now so that's good right?

Worst moments of the week: 

-My dad passed away last week on Thursday, his funeral was on Tuesday and it was a really emotionally hard day/week.  Everyone who knows me knows that I didn't really ever have a "Dad".  That being said though, his passing still brought on a lot of emotions.  We attended the viewing the night before and then the funeral the next morning.  My brother Justin spoke and did such a good job.  He said that my dad would be proud of us kids and he just did so good in such a hard situation.  I am sad that he died and that he suffered the last few weeks of his life.  I am proud that we are not ruined by his choices and actions and that the abuse, pain and fear ended with him.  It was a day of closure and honestly a day that my heart was softened.  My sister got to come and it was a busy few days with family, but oh so fun.

Looking forward to:

- Massage tomorrow.

-Dr appt Friday- big glucose test.

-Planning Heaths big 30 birthday party! 

Random Thoughts: 

-trying to complete my to do lists in prep for baby, 

-how do my kitchen floors get so dirty?

-wishing there were more hours in the day. 

Week 24

How many weeks: 24 (SIX MONTHS)

 how big is baby: size of a an ear of corn 8.5 inches and 1.5lbs

Weight gain: 15

sleep: Pretty good, I have been taking a miracle pill called Diclegis.  BEST. THING. EVER.  Had some insomnia this week, but not too bad compared to my previous pregnancy.

cravings: Licorice ( any kind), bean burritos, ice cream

feeling: Good.  Tired.  I'm taking full advantage of Mason's afternoon naps lately.  I feel like I can't get through my day without a nap.  I finally cleaned out Mason's closet/room.  I did what I have been dreading and moved Boston's crib to the new baby's room.  Boston and Mason's nursery looks so empty, I hate it.   The first thing Heath said was why did you move it out?  I had to be done at some point.  Trying to adjust to Mason's new room.  He will always share it with his brother, even if his brother isn't physically there.

I also had a massage this week which was MUCH needed.  My massage therapist is the best and I honestly don't think my muscles have ever been so tight and then so relaxed after.  It was the best massage I have ever had!

gender: GIRL

best moment of the week:  We've had so many fun moments this week with it being the 4th of July holiday.  We had a little stay cation 1 hour south of our hometown, took Mason down the alpine slide in Park City (which he loved!), ordered breakfast in bed which was the best $40 I have ever spent!  It was so fun and something I have always wanted to do.  I felt okay about spending that much since we didn't have to pay to stay at the hotel.  Heath's job does have some perks. :)

-taking Mason to his first parade was so fun.  Magical really.  He had no idea what to think of all the noise and people throwing candy.  It was fun.  That being said fireworks were that much more magical.  We let him throw pop its and Heath put on a firework show for us, my mom, and sister and her kids.  Mason loved that too and didn't move a muscle the whole time.  The town fireworks he liked too, but he was delirious by the time they started.

-Having someone else besides my husband give me my progesterone shot.  Hahaha Heath would laugh reading this, but it's true.  We had a slight issue with our last shot.... Let's just say the bruise/hematoma is still there and it's almost been 2 weeks ago... Poor Heath, such a good sport, we were taught so terribly on how to give it and he just has hated giving them to me.  I have the sweetest RN who is a friend of a friend that has offered to give them to me.  It went over so much more smoothly.  Still is a huge pain in the butt.. Quite literally, but oh so much better.

Worst moments of the week: 

-Mason fell off the bed pretty badly while we were staying at the hotel.  It was so awful and I felt terrible.  There was a side table right next to where he fell and it was a pretty good drop.  He got a bruise on his arm and because it was dark when he fell I couldn't really see where he hit when he landed.  MOM FAIL.

-Heath having to go out of town for work after spending the last 11 days home with us.

Looking forward to:

- Dr appt Friday, always nice to see how the baby girl is doing

-hitting 28 weeks (week of viability) I have been having fears of having this baby too early.  I hope it's just be being anxious.

-Mason's swim lessons next week.

-Candice's bridal shower Saturday!.

Random Thoughts: 

- Mason is finally walking!!! 

-I can't believe we will have a baby in 3 months or sooner.... Yikes! AM I READY? 

- I am so ready for fall... Too hot for this pregnant lady.

WEEK 22

How many weeks: 22

 how big is baby: size of a spaghetti squash 8 inches and ONE pound

Weight gain: 10 lbs

sleep: Pretty good, I have been taking a miracle pill called Diclegis.  BEST. THING. EVER.

cravings: Licorice ( any kind) Baked potatoes, lemonade, slurpees

feeling: Good.  Hot, but good.  It's been hot already this summer.  Temps are 90-100 degrees.  I feel like I'm melting.  Trying to prep for baby girl this week.  Cleaned all the carpets, bought her first outfit ( a romper), it's the cutest thing.  I need to move Boston's crib out of his and Mason's room and put it in the nursery/office.  I have been dreading this day... Maybe next week.

gender: GIRL

best moment of the week: We had such a fun weekend.  WE spent Friday night at the zoo for Heath's work party.  Mason got his face painted like a tiger, rode the carousel which he loved, went to the bird show and saw lots of animals.  Saturday we spent the day at surf n swim with Tom and Mark and Sunday was Father's Day so we spoiled Daddy with breakfast in bed and some new clothes.

Worst moment of the week:  Progesterone shot killed this week.  Heath is getting so sick of giving me the shots.  I can't say I blame him..... He gets so nervous every time he has to give one, which is weekly.  They are a pain, but he does a good job and hoping this will help me to carry this babe full term.  How great would that be?

Looking forward to: the weekend!

Random Thoughts: 

-I have been thinking about Boston a lot this week and wondering if him and baby girl are up in heaven together playing and getting to know each other.

- Mason needs to start walking. :). He walks, but only takes 10 or less steps

-trying to stay calm and collected.

IT'S A......

GIRL!!!

We had such a busy exhausting day.  Our appt today was so long and exhausting.  We spent over 2 hours at our appt and decided that we weren't going to find out the gender of our baby until later this evening when we did the gender reveal.  It was so fun, but so hard to wait.  Our US tech wrote the gender on a piece of paper and we took it to the store and had this sweet lady put whatever color balloons for either gender in a box and tape it shut.  We then headed to our house for the big reveal.  I thought for sure it was a boy because I thought I saw the "boy part" on our ultrasound.  I was so wrong.  We are so excited to welcome a baby girl to our family.  She will be the first granddaughter on heaths families side.  We have a lot of work to do to get ready for her, but we can't wait to meet our baby girl later this year.

Rainbows

February brought some good news to our family, REALLY good news actually.  I know Boston had his hands in it.  We found out on February 16 that we were expecting a baby.  Just a few days passed Boston's year angelversary.  This was such happy news during such a hard, dark, tear filled month.  Boston will never be replaced, but we are so excited to bring another baby into our family.  Ever since we found out we were expecting twins we felt like we were somewhat ready for two babies.  We have two babies, just only one baby got to come to this earthly home.  Heath and I both felt like we should have another baby as soon as we felt like it was right.  That feeling came quite fast and of course we found out we were expecting during "Boston's month".  It has been a difficult pregnancy.  Not only physically with morning sickness (more like all day sickness), throwing up multiple times a day, doing progesterone shots weekly (to help keep this baby in as long as possible), long drives to the U of U, emotionally being terrified of delivery and hopefully carrying full term, reminders of being pregnant with my boys, and so much harder being pregnant and having a toddler to take care of. BUT how blessed we feel to have the opportunity to bring another baby into the world.  God is good.

Boston's Month

It is hard to believe that February is almost over.  It has been some of the darkest days of my life.  Something about reliving those terrible days that struck our family and knowing it was exactly 1 year ago was so hard.  I found myself on so many of those days replaying in my mind what had happened hour by hour.  But, no matter how long the winter... spring is sure to follow.

There are many rays of sunshine that have brighten my life this month that I want to share.  I know Boston has been watching over his mommy this month and has been helping me so much.

February, I decided I wanted to dedicate to Boston.  I wanted to share acts of service to others in his memory.  I came up with a list of random acts and went to work.  I posted my idea on Instagram so others could have the opportunity to serve for Boston and more importantly so I would be able to see what others did.  I had such an out pour of love and support!

-My sister in law and good friend shoveled neighbors driveways/sidewalks
-My friend Cami went to the cemetery and de iced Boston's headstone which was covered in thick ice
-My friend Erin and her family took roses to the seniors who live in a nursing home for Valentines day.
-Another friend served in the temple in Boston's memory.
-My activity day girls all joined in and loved sharing their service for Boston stories.

It was so great hearing everyones acts of service.

We started out the month by serving dinner at the RMH in SLC.  What a joy that was being able to serve families (just like us last year) who are in such a stressful time of having their child/children hospitalized.  It brought back so many memories being there and at times Heath and I just stood and stared.  When we drove home that night, my heart was so happy.  I never want to forget the feeling I had driving away that night.  I know Boston was there smiling down on us and so happy that we did that.

We made another trip down to SLC on Boston's day. (February 7)  We decided to take a gift to the parents of the baby in bedspace 39 which was Mason's bedspace while he was in the NICU at Primary Children's.  We included a letter that shared Boston's story, a warm fuzzy blanket, a gift card to a near  by restaurant, a note book, thank you cards and a few other items that are nice to have when you are away from home.  It was hard driving down that very day and once we pulled into the parking garage Heath and I both wondered if this was a good idea.  Walking into the lobby was really bittersweet, but getting up to the fourth floor was even harder.  That hall.  That waiting room.  Those doors.  The smell.  They all hit me like a thousand bricks.  I was able to leave the gift for the parents and leave.  One of my favorite memories of that day is going down and doing that.

I have had many great chats/visits with the great women in my life.  I am so blessed to be surrounded by so many great friends and family members.  I was at the cemetery a week or so ago and was approached by a mom who had lost her daughter whom I had known in a car accident six years ago.  She came over and talked with me and gave me such great advice and such great hope.  It meant so much to me that she would reach out to me and tell me how she was dealing with the grief and loss of her daughter.

I have felt much peace through this month of much darkness and sorrow.  I know that I will be able to rise above the darkness and pain because I know that I will see Boston again.  I know that because of the knowledge I have of the plan of salvation and the gift that was given so that I will be able to live forever with my family.

The eve of my babies first birthdays

I have been reminiscing all day about January 25 2015.  I have replayed in my mind the days before the boys were born.  Looking at pictures, remembering the way I felt as Boston and Mason's heartbeats were being monitored, the hours I got to spend listening to those loud thumps.  Sounds that are forever engraved in my mind.  Those weeks before my babies came were literally the calm before the storm.  A storm we could have never been ready for.  A storm that could have the capacity to ruin everything we believe in and stand for.  Those weeks were spent with just Heath and I in a tiny little room, no where to be and nothing to do besides be with each other.  We often talk about how awesome that time was spent with each other and family and friends that would come to hang out with us.  I smile at those memories.  I hated the hospital food so we had so many awesome friends and family members that would come and bring us dinner and hangout.  I remember one day Heath wheeled me down to the cafeteria.  We got lunch and went outside on this little patio area.  I had missed getting to go outside and smell fresh air.  I remember my mind just being so clear and life just seemed so calm and peaceful.  I often think back to this time because things drastically changed two weeks later.  As things got so stressful, sorrow and grief filled my every being it helped to remember those peaceful weeks prior.

The night before I gave birth to my perfect babies I was watching the Miss America or Miss Universe I can't remember exactly which one.  I started having contractions 7 minutes apart.  I didn't realize at the time that's when I was starting to labor.  I didn't think they were "bad enough" to have the medication to stop them so I just dealt with them and then headed to bed not soon after.  I get butterflies thinking of the excitement that awaited me the next day.  That would be the day I would get to see and hold my precious, tiny, 31 (almost 32) week old identical twin boys.  Throughout my pregnancy I was always worried about just getting them here safely.  When anyone would ask, which happened a lot seeing my profession I would always just say as long as I can get them here safely.contractions 7 minutes apart.  I didn't realize at the time that's when I was starting to labor.  I didn't think they were "bad enough" to have the medication to stop them so I just dealt with them and then headed to bed not soon after.  I get butterflies thinking of the excitement that awaited me the next day.  That would be the day I would get to see and hold my precious, tiny, 31 (almost 32) week old identical twin boys.  Throughout my pregnancy I was always worried about just getting them here safely.  When anyone would ask, which happened a lot seeing my profession I would always just say as long as I can get them here safely. I remember being worried the whole pregnancy, but shrugged it off as that just being "normal".  Tonight I am just going to remember these nights spent at the hospital just the four of us.

I am looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with Heath and Mason and feeling our angel, Boston near. I love my little family more than words and am excited to celebrate and honor each of my boys's lives.

First Birthdays

We celebrated Mason's birthday yesterday.  We are going to celebrate Boston's birthday tomorrow.  It was good to gather together with family and friends to celebrate this little boy and how far he has come this year.  It was bittersweet as we sang happy birthday before Mason "ate" his cake.  It hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason at that moment.  The last few weeks have been hard.  Really hard.  I keep replaying in my mind each day what I was doing this date last year.  Like today, this day last year was the day before my boys were born.  I spent the day in my hospital room with my brother and little nephew.  I just read the blog post from that day and talked about how I got to go outside and it was so great to feel the sun on my face.  What I would give to go back to that day and have my babies safe inside my tummy.

Amidst the heartache and sorrow I have felt this week, I have had a few neat experiences as well.  I was wanting to make something special to put on Boston's headstone for his first birthday.  I hunted around for this special board and couldn't find it anywhere.  Heath and I headed down to Riverdale and I ran into Lowe's.  While in there I had the neatest thing happen.  After being led to the isle that had all the sign stuff, I was walking to the checkout stand and came across this older man that was a Lowe's employee.  He looked at me and asked what I was doing with my big plastic sign and metal stakes.  I replied that I was making something special for my son's grave for his first birthday.  I caught him off guard as that's usually what happens, he became speechless than said I am so sorry after a long hesitation.  HE continued to walk with me as I was searching for packaging tape to put over the sign to protect from the weather.  He asked about our story, Boston's story. Mason's story.  With tears in his eyes he told me he had identical twin boys, who were now grown men.  I showed him pictures of Boston and Mason and he shared stories with my about his sons.  Even though we were complete strangers who at first glance would think we would have nothing in common, we shared so many of the same life experiences.  He was the sweetest guy.  It was not by chance we met.  I'm so grateful I got to meet Howard.  He said how his boys look more alike now then when they were little.  This made me smile and cry at the same time.

I got to go to lunch with my friend/neighbor who had twin boys just 6 months before I did.  She is someone that has played a huge role in my life this past year.  She is someone I didn't know super well before, but someone now that I call a dear friend, a guardian angel more like.  She has received so many promptings in my behalf.  Luckily for me she always listens to those promptings.  She was there when tragedy struck, but most importantly has been there every single step this whole entire year.  I loved sitting down with her and just chatting about "life".

My sister ordered Boston this beautiful flower arrangement for his birthday and came down all the way from Heber to bring it.  It looks a lot like his flowers did at the funeral.  I have loved having them in our home and seeing Boston's name on them.  I forgot how the smell of fresh flowers give me a panic attack and takes me right back to that terrible day when we had to say goodbye to our baby.  I can't wait to take them to his grave for a few hours then enjoy them here at home.  What a blessing my sister has been through all of this.  Having someone that knows the pain from losing a child is such a blessing.

I had a dream about Boston and when I woke up I tried to remember it all, but I couldn't.  Heath also had a dream that was much more in detail that he shared with me this morning.  We both cried as he told me about it.  I told him he needs to write it down, it was such a special dream.  I wish I could share, but it is just to dear to our hearts.  I have felt Boston's spirit near this week at times when I have felt extremely alone.  Its like that feeling that you know someone else is there, but you can't physically see them.

Things like this help keep us going.  Just one more day I keep finding myself saying.  I would give anything just to get a glance to see Boston, to feel of his sweet spirit.  I have to keep reminding myself that life on this earth is just for a time, a season.  Soon we will all be reunited as a family to never be separated again.  Together Forever. 

THIS SONG 

has been keeping me going.  I listen to it daily after a good workout.  Most times I cry as I listen, but it helps me to imagine what heaven must feel like.

Isn't this cake awesome?? Thanks to our good friend Steph!

One of my birthday boys!

Meet Donna

I had the greatest opportunity the other day at work that I wanted to share.

First off, can I just say the best part of my job is getting to meet so many awesome people.  I get to meet people from all walks of life.  I get along better with some than others, some are nicer than others ( by a long shot) and some just leave such an impression on my heart.

This is where Donna comes in....

I have this patient who's name has been changed of course so that I can share this story and not violate any "HIPAA" rules.

This patient cannot see anymore.  She has Macular Degeneration.  She is in her 90's and has been dealt with a lot of trials in life.  The thing is, unless you knew her background and knew what she had been through, you would never know.  She is such a wise, strong, sweet beyond sugar woman.

When she came to get her teeth cleaned, she told me she had just been dreading to come to her appointment.  I had met her a year previously before I had my twins and knew that her late husband had worked with my grandpa years and years ago.  I brought this up so she could remember our conversation before and maybe help her to feel a little more comfortable.  We got talking and we shared some stories and it came up that we had lost our firstborn son.  She shared with me that she had lost a son too when he was 14 years old.  I was touched when she continued to share with me her testimony of the plan of salvation with tears in her eyes, she proclaimed to me that she knew without a doubt that she indeed would see her son again and that sometimes life is not fair, quite unfair, but that all can and will be made right if we continue to move forth and endure to the end.  She also said that she knows that we are given trials sometimes to help sympathize with those who are around us to help them when trials, loss and grief hit them.  She shared a story when she served in the relief society and a sister in her ward lost a son.  This particular woman became a hermit.  Wouldn't talk to anyone, go anywhere, couldn't eat. and couldnt sleep.  She went over to visit and told this woman she knew what she was going through because she had lost her son too.  She embraced her and cried and cried and cried.  They helped eachother.

When Donna's appointment came to and end I told her how grateful I was that she came to her appointment today.  She gave me a big hug and I couldn't help, but she some tears.  I believe our angels had their hands in us meeting and sharing our expeienrces.  I hope that I can endure the way Donna has.  Her angel son is beyond a doubt so proud of her.

I read a book that a fellow angel mom gave me, called "The uses of Adversity",  In it, it says, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance against pain, it is resource in event of pain.  This could not be more true and fitting.

Camping trip

We took Mason camping last weekend for the first time.  We were so anxious to go anywhere far just in case it didn't go as planned... we really wanted to go to the Teton's since I have never been, but decided to meet our friends in Idaho Falls and just find somewhere to camp close to that area.  We camped at this cute little place called Kelly canyon.  It was a pretty campground right next to a river.  It felt so good to be in the great outdoors.  It was so peaceful (besides the pesky mosquitoes that is).  Mason did great on the drive up and slept the entire way.  We made tinfoil dinners and just hung around camp.  At Mason's original bedtime I went and laid him in the tent just in the pack and play that we brought up.  He loved just laying there looking up at the leaves on the tree that were blowing right above him.  It soon got really dark and he fussed a little bit before drifting off to sleep.  When Heath and I went into bed he felt so cold, so I picked him up and cuddled him for a few hours.  I just stared at him during those hours in the still of the night.  I just took in his beautiful, perfect face and his perfect features.  He has the cutest little button nose and lips that are just perfectly pouted.  I couldn't help to feel the absence of Boston and him not being at our first campout as a family.  I felt his little spirit near as I cuddled Mason that night.  I didn't get much sleep, but sure had fun cuddling that baby of mine.  We can't wait to go camping again!  Mason loved being outside and seeing all of the new scenery.  I loved getting away with my little family and can't wait to go again!

SIX month milestones

You guys.... my baby (babies) are/would be 6 months old yesterday!  Its so weird, but time has just stood still it seems like.  I feel like its still February, here it is JULY...

Mason has been hitting so many milestones this last little while.  It feels like everyday he can do something that he couldn't the day before.  Last night he decided to roll in the tub.  Yes, you read that right.  He went head first into the water like it was no big deal.  He swallowed some water, but luckily daddy has cat like reflexes and caught him pretty quick.

His 6 month stats:
Weight 17.2 lbs= 48 %
Height: 26 inches = 40%
Head 43.8 = 28%

He is doing so well.  I think the best thing as a mom is watching your baby grow.  He brings so much joy and happiness into our lives.  Life truly is so much better with him around.  I ran into an old classmate and we talked about having kids.  She said doesn't it just rock your world?  I couldn't agree.  It really hasn't.  My mom keeps telling me how lucky I am to have such a good baby.  I complain about him sleeping too much whcn all I want him to do is hurry and wake up so we can play when most other moms would kill to have their babies sleep half as much as Mason does.  I do consider myself SO lucky.  Heath and I talk about how Mason has always been the fiesty one ( he clearly isn't very fiesty).  We often talk about what Boston would've been like since he was always the sweet, content baby.

Mason currently loves:
* Bath time (he always has from day 1), well.. not NICU baths
*pulling the blanket over his head at night,
*sucking his fingers (index and thumb all at once),
*snuggling after nursing,
* watching TV,
*He loves laying with mommy and daddy in bed at night while we watch parks and rec
* Loves napping in his swing and carseat
* Going to movies at the theater.  WE have been to Inside Out and Jurrasic world

He currently dislikes:
*Getting ready for bed.  After we bathe him and put him on his changing table, every night without fail he starts crying.  It's like he knows whats coming and is so mad about it.  If I take him and get him dressed elsewhere he doesn't do this and he only cries on his changing table after his baths.  Its funny.
*Peaches
*Binkies, he prefers his fingers

He started:
*Eating cereal.  He likes it... sorta.  I gave him peaches with his cereal the other day and he DID NOT LIKE IT.  Thats a problem that we will have to work on, seeing that grandpa Valcarce is a Peach farmer and grows THE BEST peaches.
* Grabbing at things while in his saucer

He is working on:
*Sitting up by himself
*rolling over
*"liking" tummy time

Mason is such a sweet baby.  I know Boston would've been just as sweet, maybe sweeter.  Happy half birthday beautiful baby boys.  Sending our love to heaven tonight.

Good Memories

Last week we attended a grief group.  Our homework assignment was to write about a happy memory that we had with the loved one that we have lost.

I have a few happy memories that I want to share.

Looking back during that time everything was such a blur.  So many things were happening to me physically.  SO many pain meds and the first 5 nights after the boys were born were exhausting and painful.

The first memory that I have and will forever cherish is seeing you for the first time.  Your isolete was the first one, followed by Mason's.  It took everything I had to get into that wheelchair to get over to the NICU so I could meet you.  You were 5 hours old.  I was wheeled by your isolete and got to hold you.  It was hard getting past all of the wires that were coming out of what seemed like everywhere from your tiny 3 pound body.  You were the cutest baby I had ever seen.  You held my finger so tightly as I held you in my arms.  You would blow bubbles out of your mouth and didn't like the feeding tube that was down your throat.  I wished so badly that you didn't have to be so small and need a feeding tube.  I wanted to kiss your little face off, but I was nervous I would give you germs so I settled on kissing your head.  Looking back I regret that. You were perfect.  Amidst the noise of the monitors going off all around us.... you and I were in our own little perfect, peaceful bubble.

The second happy memory was when you were 3 days old we got to be reunited again (ALL THREE OF US!!) I was so excited to hold both you and Mason together.  It seemed like you guys knew exactly what to do.  Mason would snuggle up to you and put his face on the back of your head.  He loved feeling your hair on his nose.  I will never forget those precious moments snuggling you.  Most of the time it hurts too much to think about those memories, but today I am just going to be happy for the times we did share and all of those hours mommy got to snuggle you.

Good memories are a special gift that can never be lost, ruined, or fade with time.  Until I see you again my sweet baby Boston.  Mommy loves you so much and would give anything to be snuggling you right this minute.  Sending kisses to heaven tonight my little angel.

Love,
Your Mommy

The tale of two trees

While Mason was being hospitilazed at PCMC we had a special friend come and visit us.  She gave us two of the same exact pine trees.  She said that the two trees symbolized each of our boys and that when we planted them we could watch them grow together.  I thought this was the most thoughtful and perfect gift.  Let me tell you more about these

 TREES

As we lived in the Ronald Mcdonald house, we didnt have any place to really keep these trees.  We took care of them as well as we could until we could get them home and plant them.  We finally got them home and it was now time to plant them.  We carefully took them and planted them in the same soil.  We gave them both the same amount of love and nourishment that they would need to flourish.  We planted them in the same pot and were anxious to watch them start growing.  Little did we know what would happen next.

What started out as 2 beautiful, green, very much alive trees, quickly became sick and withered.

The first tree became sick.  So much so that the tree died.  Very quickly.  We tried to do everything we could to save it, but it was too late... it had already gotten too sick.

Before we could blink an eye we realized that when the first tree died, the second tree became sick too.  Because the first tree had died, we had a more careful watch for the second tree.  We became more aware of where the tree was placed, if we were giving it enough water or not and any other things that could be going on.  You could imagine our dismay when the second tree started to become just as sick right in front of our eyes.  It was headed down the same path the first tree took.

The second tree got sick.  Very sick.  A lot of waiting to see what would happen next.  It took a lot of time to nurture back to health.  There were a lot of rainstorms and dry days that seemed like they were never going to end.  There were even days when we weren't sure if the second and our only tree left would survive the circumstances and be able to survive the elements that were taking place in its very roots.

A change (miracle) occurred....

The second tree started springing life.  Green leaves were starting to grow in the very smallest portion at the very tip top of the plant.  Hope was ensued.  As we nourished that tree back to health, it started springing more and more branches and leaves.  As time continues to move forward, this tree continues to grow bigger and healthier.

.

So, as the story goes with our twin boys.  I don't think its coincidence the path these plants took.  Our boys came into this world together healthy and very much alive.  Boston our first born got sick without any kind of warning.  The very next day Mason (the second tree) became sick, very sick with the same thing that had claimed the life of our first born the previous day.  It was a long road, with many hurdles to overcome to nourish him back to health, but as you can see with the tree.. everyday he continues to grow and spring new life.  This plant reminds me of the hope and life that Mason brings into our home.

-Love, the mommy of a special angel and his twin brother.

You will live forever in our hearts

Mason has been so darn cute these last few weeks...

I went in to get him up for the day and he was in his crib wide awake, looking up towards the ceiling just smiling and cooing.  I think he was talking to Boston.

He has been a little more fussy lately napping in his crib.  It's like he misses being snuggled up close to his brother.  I will go in and wrap my hands around his head and tummy and that makes him happy.  

Two nights ago, Mason was crying while trying to put him down for the night.  Heath wanted to rock him, so as he was rocking him Mason just couldn't keep his eyes off Daddy.  Without saying a word, Mason would just look up at his Dad and just kept giving him these big smiles over and over again.  It was the cutest thing.

He did the same thing with me last night as I was nursing him.  He just couldn't stop smiling.  These are the moments I want to freeze.

I have been thinking a lot about Boston this week. I miss him so much my heart aches.  I know Mason must too.  I keep thinking about the conversation I had with my 4 1/2 year old niece and how so nonchalantly she says, "April, I think Mason is crying because he misses his brother".

It seems like this week, more so than others Boston is more near.  Or maybe he's always near, this week I have just been recognizing it more.  What I would give to have him here with us.... until the day I get to see him again, he will live forever in my heart.

We love you and miss you everyday Boston!


Boston slideshow

Celebrating lives times two

Today was Mason's blessing day.  I have dreamed about having my baby blessed long before I ever had babies... better yet, long before I was even married.  As a young girl, I loved watching fast Sunday's where there would be a baby blessing in our ward.  I loved watching these cute Dads that held the priesthood go up and give their baby a blessing.  I always wanted to make sure I found a Man/husband/Dad that could bless our baby someday.

I did.

A great man/husband/dad too.

As I started preparing for this day weeks ago it only felt right to include Boston on this special day.  I decided that I would make a banner with each of their names and make sure to decorate with a picture of Mason wearing Daddy's necklace that has Boston's name on it.  It was perfect.

After preparing food, finding a blessing outfit, decorating, setting up, etc, etc, I felt like I wanted to go somewhere quiet where I could be alone with my thoughts.  This morning I woke up early and listened to some of my favorite hymns as I was getting ready.  Heath and I knelt at our bed and I said a prayer for us, a prayer for Mason and a prayer for Boston, that we would be able to feel him near.

Mason woke up all smiles this morning almost like he knew it was a special day.  Not almost, I know he knew it was a special day.  He is always such a happy baby, but last night he didn't get to bed until midnight so i was a little worried about what this morning would bring.  We got him dressed and ready and headed to the church.  While driving, I told Heath i had butterflies.  He said he did too.  We had been excited for this day, but sad that Boston wasn't physically here with us.  We knew it was going to be a day, yet again for all kinds of emotions.

We got to church and got situated.  Soon it was time for Mason to get blessed.  The church was packed seeing that there were 2 other babies getting blessed.  Mason was first.  Heath gave him a beautiful blessing and got emotional giving it.  I got emotional too.  My brother Tom who was also in the blessing circle said that Mason was just staring up at his Daddy the entire blessing.  I know for a fact Boston was there watching over his little brother.  I felt it.

I got up to bear my testimony. I had so many things that I wanted to say, but getting up in front of so many people gets me every time.  I have been feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for my family and friends.  We have had so much support.  I forgot to tell my sister Jill how grateful I am for her through this whole tragedy because she sadly enough knows my pain.  She lost her sweet boy Gage 4 years ago this year.  He was only 4 1/2 years old.  I have leaned on her a lot.  She gets it.  I forgot to tell Mason how grateful I am for him and for the opportunity that I get to be his mom.  He makes life so GOOD.  I cannot imagine life without him.  HE is the happiest, most pleasant personality, best baby.  I just can't get enough of him.  I love staring into his big blue eyes, singing "Hello" to him (which he loves) and seeing his big smile.  He lights up my heart and my life.

After church was over, my mom came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how proud of me she was.  She told me how strong I was and how awesome she thought I was.  She got emotional when she said it and it meant so much to me to hear that from her.

We spent our time afterwards with our family and friends.  Everyone loved holding Mason.  My niece Gentry got to hold him for the first time and was so excited about it.  Before she held him, she was talking to me while I changed Mason's diaper.  She told me that her Mommy was having a boy baby and that she wanted to name him Fischer.  Gentry said she didn't like that name and that she wanted to name her baby brother Gage.  She went on to say that she couldn't name him Gage because they already had a Gage, but he was dead.  It broke my heart to hear her say that.  I told her that she was about Mason's age when she was in the car accident that claimed the life of her brother.  We continued the conversation a few minutes later when she asked my what my other baby's name was again.  She asked where Boston was and I said he was in heaven with Gage.  She said and heavenly father right?  I said Yes.  She asked why?  I said because he got sick with a really bad infection in his tummy.  Mason started fussing just a little at this point and Gentry looked at me and said April, I think he is crying because he misses his brother.  It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard.  Child like innocence is the best.  I love that little girl.

Today was such a special day for my little family.  I have felt saddened as I dame home after the day was done and everyone had gone home.  I felt sad as i wondered what Boston would've looked like in his blessing outfit.  I felt sad thinking about the love that I have for Mason ans how that love just keeps growing with time.  Time i didn't get with Boston.

Today marked exactly 4 months to the very day that we watched as Heath and other members of my family gathered around Boston and gave him a name and blessing right before we took him off life support.  It was so noisy due to the ventilator that was breathing for him, but I am grateful Heath was able to do that.  We miss Boston everyday.  Today we celebrate the time we got to spend with Boston and the time we continue to spend with Mason.