Today was my first day back to work. I was feeling anxious about entering the "real world" again. So much has changed since I left my job at the beginning of January. I'm sure those that have suffered a loss of someone they love would agree with me when I say its hard to go back to doing things you once did before. Places you return to, or even seeing certain people bring back memories of whats been the darkest times of our lives. The mundane questions that people ask, the "small talk", conversations that used to be so simple now seem so forced and sometimes painful to answer.
Today I got asked by one of my patients how many kids I had. I got a smile on my face and proudly answered twin boys! After all, that is the truth. What I didn't say is that I gave birth to 2 boys, but only have 1 living boy. That part was to hard to say today. As this patient was leaving the office he said have fun with those boys. I smiled and said I will! I feel like I just told this patient something that wasn't true or just didn't tell him the whole truth. I feel like if I only said I had one child I would be letting you down Boston and by saying that would have meant that I had forgotten you when that is and will always be impossible. You are forever my child and I am forever your mom. I think I need to find a way to better answer this question... another day. For now, I will just focus on going back to doing things I once did and find a way to smile and be happy admidst the pain.
Update on Mason:
Daddy watched Mason today while I went to work. I couldn't wait to get home to them. Things are easier at home. Being with Mason helps heal my heart and feel closer to you. I bet you miss your brother. Mason smiled at me for the first time yesterday morning when I got him out of his crib. He has smiled before, but this was the first time he smiled, reacting to my voice. He is getting so big and weighs over 11 pounds now. He has such a sweet spirit about him and is such a good baby. Right now he loves bath time and kicks and moves all around. I feel so honored to be both of your moms. Having Mason is such an honor and so much fun. I can't imagine the joy it would be to have both of you here! I often find myself looking at Mason and pretending you are here too.
It's crazy that 3 months has gone by since you both came into the world and into our family. I hate that you were here for such a short amount of time. Thats the hardest part of all. Mommy misses you sweet boy.
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