Dear Boston,
I
can remember August 13 2014 like yesterday. This was the day of
my first pregnancy appointment. It started out like any normal
Wednesday. Woke up, threw up a couple of times before heading
to work at the dentist office, cleaned a lot of mouths and had an
extremely busy day. I was so excited for the appointment that
afternoon that the day still seemed to drag on. When I got home
I hurried to scarf down a bowl of cold cereal (seemed to be the only
thing that sounded somewhat good and that I could keep down)
We
arrived at the Circle of Life women's center and did A LOT of
paperwork. It was finally time to head back to the exam room.
We talked with the nurse and she said she would send the Doctor
in to come and chat before we did anything else. Our OB came in and we talked a little back and forth. I told him how
sick I had been and he came back with suggestions and medications
that would help. He asked if I had any other questions and I
said well, I guess I am just wondering if there is more than one
baby? I proceeded to tell him that both of my sisters had multiple
pregnancies. I thought he would laugh, but instead he cocked
his head to the side and said, And you have been really sick. I
jumped up on the exam table and we did an ultrasound to check things
out. Before he could say anything, Daddy looked at the
screen and said, wait... are there TWO? The Doctor laughed and
said yes, there are two babies in there. I put my hand on my
forehead and couldn't believe what I was hearing! I not only
have one baby growing inside of my tummy, but two babies! We
were shocked, nervous, excited all at the same time. The rest
of the appointment was kind of a blur talking about risks with
multiple pregnancies, etc. We went to eat at IN and Out burger
after the appointment. We sat outside on a table and we
couldn't believe the news. We couldn't talk about anything
else.
Time
quickly passed, as it did I seemed to get sicker and sicker. It
wouldn't be strange for me to throw up 4 or 5 times in the morning. It was rough, but I knew it was going to be so worth it! We started seeing a high risk doctor every two weeks. We loved these appointments. They lasted over and hour and the whole time they were doing an ultrasound so we got to see you and your brother moving all around. Your heads were always together and you both didn't like to cooperate very well for pictures, nonetheless you both were healthy and growing. We loved every minute of it. Daddy would always make sure he could make it to the appointments. If it was his on week at work he would hurry and finish all his work and meet me there. From the very beginning you were a lot smaller than Mason. They were worried for awhile when the size discrepancy reached 36%, but then being the fighter that you are; you caught up at the end of my pregnancy. Right before Christmas during one of our appointments they noticed a blood vessel right above my cervix (vasa previa) because this can be a very serious issue, this would mean that I would have to be hospitalized around week 30/31 and that our goal to keep you both in for was 34 weeks. During this time I was having a lot of anxiety. I had a really bad dream that I woke up and I wasn't pregnant anymore, Aunt Jill was by my side and I asked her where my babies were? She looked really sad and said you only have one baby. I brushed this off as a crazy pregnancy dream and didn't think anymore about it. Looking back, I feel like this was prompting in some strange way.
We couldn't wait to share the news with our families, I was so excited to tell Aunt Trisha since she has twins of her own I couldn't wait to hear her
reaction. It was just as great as I imagined it would be. She
cried! She knows the special bond that your cousins share with
each other and couldn't wait for me to experience having my own set
of twins. Grandma
Vickie recently got called to serve as the relief society president
in her ward and this was the ticket i had been waiting for. All of your aunts, uncles and cousins would be going to her house for Sunday dinner. We came up with a poem to announce each of your
arrivals. They were each in gift baskets with a teddy bear.
The first one read, a little ray of sunshine to lighten up our
days, March 2015 is when he or she will come our way. Every one
was so excited!! We waited five minutes or so and then I said
wait, there is more. heath brought out the second basket that
had this poem in it, These two angels will fill our hearts with joy,
but time will tell if these twins are girls or boys. Grandma
cried, and so did aunt Jill. You see Jill has 3 angel baby boys
of her own in heaven and this brought back a lot of memories for her.
Everyone thought this was the greatest news they had ever
heard. We told the Lewis family next and there reaction was
great! Aunt Aubree's reaction was so fun to see. She couldn't wait to have cousins for Chatham and Bridger. We were just as excited to tell them...
WE WERE HAVING BOYS!!
We bought two pairs of the cutest camouflage shoes and Uncle Cory took our pictures with BLUE balloons. I had a feeling we were having boys. We could't have been happier. Things got serious at this point and we started purchasing two of everything. Cribs(X2) Crib Mattresses(X2) etc. Even though I was so excited, I could never come to buy outfits for you two. Well, I bought one, but my mom was always joking that she didn't know why I wasn't more prepared. This I feel was yet another sign.
January 13, 2015 I was admitted to the hospital, just one day shy of 30 weeks. This was three days earlier than originally planned due to contractions that were minutes apart. We camped out in a tiny room for 13 days. Daddy and I had so much fun visiting with friends, family, and just spending time with each other. We had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Every night we got to hear your's and Mason's heartbeat for an hour. What I would give to go back to those days. Everything was so easy and carefree back then. A calm before the storm we we soon find out.
January
26, 2015 was the best day of my life. We had endured a long two
week hospital stay and I was ready to start the new chapter in my life
being a mommy. I was 31 weeks and 5 days. I delivered my
precious twin boys at 12:26 and 12:27pm. Boston, you were born first,
Mason was born 1 minute later. Both of you were healthy and doing
great. The biggest concern with premature babies are the lungs
not being fully developed. You guys did not have this problem
and were breathing oxygen with only needing nasal canula's. Since
I delivered via C-section, I couldn't go to the NICU until I could get out of bed and into a wheel chair. I made it to the
NICU you for the first time later that night. I didn't hold Mason until the next day because I was feeling so terrible. I
will never forget the way I felt seeing your tiny bodies hooked up
to so many IV's, breathing monitors, heart leads,etc. I don't think i was prepared for this. Monitors were going off
everywhere. My babies each in their own little incubators
and just so fragile and tiny. I felt overwhelmed with guilt.
If only I could've just carried you for a few more weeks, maybe
I did something wrong? The list went on and on. I will
never forget the first time I held you. I thought I knew what
love was before this day, but i was wrong. My heart was
bursting with love. As the first few days came and went, You and Mason were both exceeding everyone's expectations. It
seemed like everyday you were reaching and surpassing milestones.
Especially you, Boston. You were the smaller twin, but were doing
so good. We spent a lot of hours cuddling. It
was pure happiness. Daddy would often say, I have never
seen you so happy! Holding my boys together skin to skin was
indeed heaven. I held everything when I held you both in my arms.
 |
| Mommy holding both of your together for the first time! |
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|
I spent 5 days in the hospital after the delivery. I will never forget leaving you and Mason at the hospital that day and coming home to an empty house while having such an empty heart. I wasn't the same girl that left home almost a whole month ago. I was now a mommy and two parts of me were now missing. Our house felt so quiet. I couldn't wait till the day I got to bring you both home!
We spent the next week and a half commuting back and forth to the hospital. I was glad you guys were only 20 minutes away, but that still seemed too far away. I always felt so anxious to get to the hospital. Even at the hospital, I always felt such a rush to get in your room and be next to your beds.
On Friday, February 6th I spent the day once again at the NICU with you and Mason. Daddy was back to work and wouldn't be joining us that night once he was off, because he was really sick with a cold. He felt so bad, but knew as a Daddy he had to do what was best for his boys even if that meant not getting to see them that day. He is such a good Dad and loves you and Mason so much. I could see it on his face the first time he got to hold you. It was getting harder and harder for Mommy to leave you at the hospital. You and mason would stare at me with those big, bright
blue eyes. It felt like they were just piercing into my soul.
This night was particularly hard to leave for the night. I had spent a lot of time holding Mason the previous day and today I wanted to focus on you and give you some time with mommy. Aunt Jill came to meet you guys for the first time. While she was there I nursed and held you. Mommy didn't know, but this was the last time I would get to hold you as a strong, healthy boy. I left the hospital around 7pm
after I fed you and Mason and did your cares. I cried all
the way home. I cried to Daddy and he reassured me that soon we wouldn't have to be leaving you and that soon you would get to come home.
Saturday February 7, 2015 is a day I will never forget. It's a day that changed our lives forever. It was the worst day anyone could ever imagine. A nightmare. I got a call at 8 am. It was your doctor. He said you had a really hard night, were sick and that it could be
serious. I immediately went to my bedroom and knelt down to
pray. As soon as I started my prayer, the sobbing began. I
had a bad feeling. I tried to stay hopeful, but you see, all along looking back, I believe
heavenly father was preparing me in a way. I didn't notice at
the time, but looking back it seems so clear. Daddy was at work and was going to meet me at the hospital. We got to the
hospital and saw what no parent should have to see. I won't go
into detail, the flashbacks haunt me. Chaos filled your room. Nurses. Doctor in and out. My perfect baby boy was
lying there lifeless and so sick. I felt like I was going to
pass out. My world was spinning out of control and the mom in
me was slowly dying. I couldn't protect you Boston. There
was nothing I could do. I felt helpless. Daddy and grandpa gave you a blessing. You held my finger tight, I know you knew it was me. During the blessing you tried so hard to open your eyes and look at your daddy. I didn't understand what was going on. The Doctor said you had an infection in your tummy. Later we would learn this infection is called NEC. Three letters that changed our lives. Three letters that would infect your whole body and later claim your life. Things got worse, life flight was called and they were doing everything they could do stabilize you until the helicopter came to take your to Primary Children's. Daddy flew with you, I stayed back with Mason. Soon after you arrived at Primary's, they took you back into surgery to see if they could do anything for you. It was too late. NEC and taken over your entire gut and perforated your bowels. There was nothing they could do. Daddy called and told me to come to the hospital as soon as I could. I knew then that we would have to say goodbye to you Boston. It was too soon. You just came into our lives, I didn't want to say goodbye. Grandma Vickie, Uncle Tom and Mark, and Aunt Jill were all in the waiting room in Ogden. I rode with Tom and Grandma to the hospital. It took forever. We finally got to the 3rd floor, I walked into a room in the NICU and Daddy took one look at me and told me there was nothing they could do. He wrapped me in his arms and we sobbed. I could feel my heart breaking. They had you on life support so we could say goodbye. Daddy held you in his arms as they took you off life support. You were ready to go. Your body didn't want to fight any longer. Daddy and I both felt what we thought was when your spirit left your body. It was approximately 4:45 p.m. We got to give you a bath for the first time and got to dress you. This was the first time you actually got to wear clothes. You are such a handsome little boy even in your diaper, but especially with clothes on. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncles got to hold you for the first time. They were so excited to meet you Boston. I was glad they got this opportunity to hold you even after your spirit had left your body. They all thought you had mommy's nose. I think so too. It was so hard leaving the hospital that day. I had no idea how I was going to live without you here.
Boston Bradley Lewis returned
home to heaven after living here on earth for just a short 12 days. I cannot begin to
tell you the sorrow that I felt that day. I have never felt so
much love bringing these boys into our family, but yet have never felt so sad and empty. Right now
I can't tell you that it was meant to be or that this was supposed to
happen. I can tell you that I have always had a fear of death
and dying. I do not worry about you Boston and where you are. I
have never once worried. I know that you are here with me, daddy and Mason and will always be. We have felt you near. I feel
honored to be your mom. I miss you so much little buddy. I do not
fully understand why you had to leave so soon and why we won't
get to see you grow up with Mason. Everyday is a
struggle, the pain doesn't go away. Every time I see twins, or
a picture of a baby in the NICU, or hear your name I get tears in
my eyes. I am grateful for Mason and for the spirit that he
brings to our family. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for
temple covenants. I do know that families can be together
forever, if we choose to keep our covenants and do the things that we
are supposed to do. Through this tragedy that has happened to
my sweet little family, I know that the veil will be thin and that
good things can and will come from this, if I let heavenly father in.
I feel like I have learned in this short few weeks what really
matters and what is really important in life. My heart has
grown X2 and I feel like I now know the way I feel about my boys, the
love I have for them, that I would do anything to take away their
pain, grief, sadness, that this is the way our heavenly father feels
about each one of us. I am so grateful to be a mom. I
love being a mom so much and I can't think of what more I could want
for my child than to make it back to the celestial kingdom. I
know that is where you are. For now, my goal is to
persevere through this trial, so that I can make it back to you. To see you grow. You are such a special boy, Boston. I can't wait till the day I get to be reunited with you again.
Love, Mommy
