The eve of my babies first birthdays

I have been reminiscing all day about January 25 2015.  I have replayed in my mind the days before the boys were born.  Looking at pictures, remembering the way I felt as Boston and Mason's heartbeats were being monitored, the hours I got to spend listening to those loud thumps.  Sounds that are forever engraved in my mind.  Those weeks before my babies came were literally the calm before the storm.  A storm we could have never been ready for.  A storm that could have the capacity to ruin everything we believe in and stand for.  Those weeks were spent with just Heath and I in a tiny little room, no where to be and nothing to do besides be with each other.  We often talk about how awesome that time was spent with each other and family and friends that would come to hang out with us.  I smile at those memories.  I hated the hospital food so we had so many awesome friends and family members that would come and bring us dinner and hangout.  I remember one day Heath wheeled me down to the cafeteria.  We got lunch and went outside on this little patio area.  I had missed getting to go outside and smell fresh air.  I remember my mind just being so clear and life just seemed so calm and peaceful.  I often think back to this time because things drastically changed two weeks later.  As things got so stressful, sorrow and grief filled my every being it helped to remember those peaceful weeks prior.

The night before I gave birth to my perfect babies I was watching the Miss America or Miss Universe I can't remember exactly which one.  I started having contractions 7 minutes apart.  I didn't realize at the time that's when I was starting to labor.  I didn't think they were "bad enough" to have the medication to stop them so I just dealt with them and then headed to bed not soon after.  I get butterflies thinking of the excitement that awaited me the next day.  That would be the day I would get to see and hold my precious, tiny, 31 (almost 32) week old identical twin boys.  Throughout my pregnancy I was always worried about just getting them here safely.  When anyone would ask, which happened a lot seeing my profession I would always just say as long as I can get them here safely.contractions 7 minutes apart.  I didn't realize at the time that's when I was starting to labor.  I didn't think they were "bad enough" to have the medication to stop them so I just dealt with them and then headed to bed not soon after.  I get butterflies thinking of the excitement that awaited me the next day.  That would be the day I would get to see and hold my precious, tiny, 31 (almost 32) week old identical twin boys.  Throughout my pregnancy I was always worried about just getting them here safely.  When anyone would ask, which happened a lot seeing my profession I would always just say as long as I can get them here safely. I remember being worried the whole pregnancy, but shrugged it off as that just being "normal".  Tonight I am just going to remember these nights spent at the hospital just the four of us.

I am looking forward to spending the day tomorrow with Heath and Mason and feeling our angel, Boston near. I love my little family more than words and am excited to celebrate and honor each of my boys's lives.

First Birthdays

We celebrated Mason's birthday yesterday.  We are going to celebrate Boston's birthday tomorrow.  It was good to gather together with family and friends to celebrate this little boy and how far he has come this year.  It was bittersweet as we sang happy birthday before Mason "ate" his cake.  It hit me like a ton of bricks for some reason at that moment.  The last few weeks have been hard.  Really hard.  I keep replaying in my mind each day what I was doing this date last year.  Like today, this day last year was the day before my boys were born.  I spent the day in my hospital room with my brother and little nephew.  I just read the blog post from that day and talked about how I got to go outside and it was so great to feel the sun on my face.  What I would give to go back to that day and have my babies safe inside my tummy.

Amidst the heartache and sorrow I have felt this week, I have had a few neat experiences as well.  I was wanting to make something special to put on Boston's headstone for his first birthday.  I hunted around for this special board and couldn't find it anywhere.  Heath and I headed down to Riverdale and I ran into Lowe's.  While in there I had the neatest thing happen.  After being led to the isle that had all the sign stuff, I was walking to the checkout stand and came across this older man that was a Lowe's employee.  He looked at me and asked what I was doing with my big plastic sign and metal stakes.  I replied that I was making something special for my son's grave for his first birthday.  I caught him off guard as that's usually what happens, he became speechless than said I am so sorry after a long hesitation.  HE continued to walk with me as I was searching for packaging tape to put over the sign to protect from the weather.  He asked about our story, Boston's story. Mason's story.  With tears in his eyes he told me he had identical twin boys, who were now grown men.  I showed him pictures of Boston and Mason and he shared stories with my about his sons.  Even though we were complete strangers who at first glance would think we would have nothing in common, we shared so many of the same life experiences.  He was the sweetest guy.  It was not by chance we met.  I'm so grateful I got to meet Howard.  He said how his boys look more alike now then when they were little.  This made me smile and cry at the same time.

I got to go to lunch with my friend/neighbor who had twin boys just 6 months before I did.  She is someone that has played a huge role in my life this past year.  She is someone I didn't know super well before, but someone now that I call a dear friend, a guardian angel more like.  She has received so many promptings in my behalf.  Luckily for me she always listens to those promptings.  She was there when tragedy struck, but most importantly has been there every single step this whole entire year.  I loved sitting down with her and just chatting about "life".

My sister ordered Boston this beautiful flower arrangement for his birthday and came down all the way from Heber to bring it.  It looks a lot like his flowers did at the funeral.  I have loved having them in our home and seeing Boston's name on them.  I forgot how the smell of fresh flowers give me a panic attack and takes me right back to that terrible day when we had to say goodbye to our baby.  I can't wait to take them to his grave for a few hours then enjoy them here at home.  What a blessing my sister has been through all of this.  Having someone that knows the pain from losing a child is such a blessing.

I had a dream about Boston and when I woke up I tried to remember it all, but I couldn't.  Heath also had a dream that was much more in detail that he shared with me this morning.  We both cried as he told me about it.  I told him he needs to write it down, it was such a special dream.  I wish I could share, but it is just to dear to our hearts.  I have felt Boston's spirit near this week at times when I have felt extremely alone.  Its like that feeling that you know someone else is there, but you can't physically see them.

Things like this help keep us going.  Just one more day I keep finding myself saying.  I would give anything just to get a glance to see Boston, to feel of his sweet spirit.  I have to keep reminding myself that life on this earth is just for a time, a season.  Soon we will all be reunited as a family to never be separated again.  Together Forever. 

THIS SONG 

has been keeping me going.  I listen to it daily after a good workout.  Most times I cry as I listen, but it helps me to imagine what heaven must feel like.

Isn't this cake awesome?? Thanks to our good friend Steph!

One of my birthday boys!