Memorial Day

We went on our first road trip last weekend.  I know, how could I go on a trip during memorial day, especially after losing our baby? I had the same thought.  Here's the thing: Heath's family goes to Moab every year during Memorial Day weekend.  I had the thought many times that I should just stay home because I wanted to be close to the cemetery on that special day that only comes once a year.  That day dedicated to remember all of our loved ones who have passed away.

Heath was so excited to get out and I thought it sounded nice to get a way too.  His entire extended family (minus one uncle and his kids) were going to be there.  We are talking cousins we haven't seen since our wedding which was FIVE years ago.  Speaking of, we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday by driving to Moab.  Exciting right? :) WE did celebrate the night before by going to dinner at Taco time.  Long story, but then again we live in Brigham City... not too many exciting places to choose from.  It was fun reminiscing about all the memories, the ups and downs, the happiest of times and the saddest of times.  Heath and I have been through so much together.  Especially this year.  Heath told me I was a lot stronger than he gave me credit for.  I thought that was such a compliment.  I guess I have always known I can do hard things which was instilled in me by my amazing Momma who has done lots of "hard things" her entire life.  Its interesting how some people are tested and tried and then tested and tried some more.

Back to our weekend.  Moab turned out to be good.  I am glad that we went.  Mason did great on the drive down and back.  That baby loves riding in the car and goes right to sleep the second we start driving.  We got to go on a few rides which was awesome.  Heath and I got to ride in the back of a razor while his cousin drove us around.  It was refreshing to feel the wind blowing on our faces, watching the beautiful red rock scenery as we cruised on by and being able to sit all cuddled up together with my hubby.  It seemed so normal.  Normal is good.

Monday morning we said goodbye to everyone and hurried back to get to the cemetery.  Boston's headstone got put in the Wednesday before we left, but wasn't all the way completed so I was antsy to get back to see it.  It really hit me seeing his name on a headstone that this is real.  Not a bad dream.  Reality.  It was tough seeing.  The headstone turned out great even though it wasn't the one we picked out and his picture wasn't able to be mounted because there was an issue with the size.  Kind of a bummer, but what can ya do?  They are going to fix it for us which is all that matters.

The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flowers around.  Heath and I sat by Boston's grave and I was overcome with thoughts about my healthy little boy that left too soon.  Heath mentioned to me that we could be at the cemetery visiting both our boys.  We came so close to having that happen.  I am so grateful for Mason and that we have him here on earth with us.  I'm also grateful for our angel Boston who is in heaven always watching over us.

Memorial Day 2015 will be one we will never forget.

Mother's Day

Some people dread this day every year.  Others look forward to this one day a year that we celebrate the "MOMS" in our lives.  Up until this point in my life it has always been Father's day that I utterly hate.  Growing up without a Dad will do that to you.  Now that day is dedicated and celebrated for my sweet husband and father of my boys.  That being said, it is still a hard day for me.

This Mother's day was bittersweet as one could imagine it would be.  A tug a war of emotions which this whole situation has been since we lost sweet baby Boston.  My husband says it best in a poem he wrote which I will share on this blog at some point.  This day marked the first Mother's day that I experienced as a mom and the first Mother's day that I experienced as a mom that has lost a child.  Two extremes.  I couldn't help but crying as I got Mason out of his crib that morning and feeling so grateful for him. I was overwhelmed with gratitude.  As the day continued I felt such great joy to be a Mom.  To be Mason's mom.  To be Boston's mom.  With that gratitude comes deep sadness. Even though my arms are full, I'm longing to hold my other baby.  On Sunday while visiting the cemetery, I came to the difficult realization that most holidays will end here visiting Boston and telling Mason stories about his older brother.  Here are some pictures from my first Mother's day as a Mother......

                                              A few of the amazing women in my life

Last but not least, to these darling boys that made me a mom. 

(the last time I held Bos and Mase together.) 

Happy Mother's day to all you incredible moms out there!

XOXOXOXO

A few "firsts"

This weekend was kind of a big deal in our household.  I took my little man "out" not only once, but TWO times!!  We have been keeping to ourselves since we brought him home the end of February just to be on the safe side.  Daddy was working this weekend and Saturday we needed groceries.  We actually ventured out to the grocery store if you can believe it.  It was a lot of work and I stressed way more than I needed too because he did great and slept the whole time.   I just got my Solly wrap, strapped him in, and a shopping we went.  I still haven't figured out how to go places and be gone for an extended period of time... hopefully that will come soon... we have a little annual family trip later this month so hopefully by then we will have it down.

 It was Mason's first day at church yesterday.  We headed to a baby blessing.  Since Daddy couldn't come with us, I had to document and take a lot of pictures.  During Sacrament I took you out of your carseat and just snuggled you while you slept.  I had a hard time paying attention to anything but you.  I couldn't stop staring at your perfect little face.  I can't believe you are mine.  I am the luckiest.  I have often heard twin mommies with an angel baby in heaven say the survivor twin is so special and a big blessing to their families.  Mason is no different.  He is unlike any other baby.  There is something so calming about him.  He is so good natured, doesn't cry or fuss and is very easy going.  My family would joke when we first brought him home saying they wondered if he was okay because he never cried.  I just say he was happy to get out of the hospital.  He had been through so much his first month of life, and now he didn't have anything to cry about.  That changed the day momma was cutting his finger nails and accidentally got the pad of his little finger though.... :(

Yesterday I received the neatest gift from my brother Mark and his wife.  It was so perfect and I cannot keep looking at ti.  My sister in law told me it had been in the works since she first saw this picture and before Boston even got sick.  It's so perfect.  This was one of the first times I Held Boston and Mason together.

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This is the drawing of that same picture they had done.

It's so perfect. 

Some call it fate

In November last year I purchased a car seat off of KSL.  Expecting two babies was going to be expensive so I was trying to spend money wisely and be frugal in making the purchases that we needed before the babies arrival.  After I bought 1 carseat I received a call from my fellow hygiene friend Ashley saying that she needed my help because she was trying to be a secret elf and it just wasn't working.  I asked her who she was wanting to help and her reply was not what I was expecting to hear.  She said, YOU! She continued to say that she, her parents, and one of our other hygiene friends wanted to get carseats for us.  I started tearing up and told she didn't need to do that and that it was way too much, she said her mom was a twin and she knew how much stress and money go into preparing for two.  I was so touched by their generosity.

I now had a carseat that I no longer needed, back on KSL it went.  A soon to be momma started texting me about the carseat.  We text back and forth and I was shocked when she told me she was expecting twins and even more so when she told me she was expecting boys just a month after my original due date to deliver my twin boys was.  This was no coincidence.  I worked in the city that she lived in and we arranged a time the next day that she could come take a look at it.  As soon as I met her I felt like I had known her for years.  We chatted about how excited we were to be moms.  I remember her being really worried about getting her boys here and I reassured her she was doing a great job and everything would be great.  Her boys were fraternal twins and as we talked back and forth I remember thinking how lucky she was because I knew that her carrying fraternal twins versus me carrying identical that her pregnancy was already a lot different than mine.  NO high risk doctors, no weekly appointments, no risks of TTTS, she was "lucky" in my eyes.

Time passes quickly and we keep in touch by facebook and texting.  I delivered my boys at 31 weeks and 5 days on January 26 and when I posted pictures it made her so excited anticipating the arrival of her babies.  She came and supported us at Boston's funeral and I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of her boys.  She delivered her sweet boys April 14.  They were healthy and needed NO time in the NICU.  When I saw her picture of their first family photo I thought that's how its supposed to be.  A new mom. A new Dad. Two healthy babies wrapped up like burritos in mommy's arms.  Well, I got to meet those boys yesterday!  I was headed up to Logan, but noticed my tire looked a little low.  I spent two hours getting my tire "fixed" and  wasn't going to make it up to see her.  I was so sad.  I called her and she decided to come to my house and I was so happy.  It was so good to see her and It felt so good to hold two babies at once again.  It was comforting.  I feel a bond to her babies.  Finn is the oldest twin, but smallest, (Just like my Boston) he also has a red mark in his eye that Boston had also.  Coincidence?  Not sure, but I sure love that little Finn.  We are excited to have park dates when our boys get bigger.  Thanks for letting me cuddle those sweet babies!