I had the greatest opportunity the other day at work that I wanted to share.
First off, can I just say the best part of my job is getting to meet so many awesome people. I get to meet people from all walks of life. I get along better with some than others, some are nicer than others ( by a long shot) and some just leave such an impression on my heart.
This is where Donna comes in....
I have this patient who's name has been changed of course so that I can share this story and not violate any "HIPAA" rules.
This patient cannot see anymore. She has Macular Degeneration. She is in her 90's and has been dealt with a lot of trials in life. The thing is, unless you knew her background and knew what she had been through, you would never know. She is such a wise, strong, sweet beyond sugar woman.
When she came to get her teeth cleaned, she told me she had just been dreading to come to her appointment. I had met her a year previously before I had my twins and knew that her late husband had worked with my grandpa years and years ago. I brought this up so she could remember our conversation before and maybe help her to feel a little more comfortable. We got talking and we shared some stories and it came up that we had lost our firstborn son. She shared with me that she had lost a son too when he was 14 years old. I was touched when she continued to share with me her testimony of the plan of salvation with tears in her eyes, she proclaimed to me that she knew without a doubt that she indeed would see her son again and that sometimes life is not fair, quite unfair, but that all can and will be made right if we continue to move forth and endure to the end. She also said that she knows that we are given trials sometimes to help sympathize with those who are around us to help them when trials, loss and grief hit them. She shared a story when she served in the relief society and a sister in her ward lost a son. This particular woman became a hermit. Wouldn't talk to anyone, go anywhere, couldn't eat. and couldnt sleep. She went over to visit and told this woman she knew what she was going through because she had lost her son too. She embraced her and cried and cried and cried. They helped eachother.
When Donna's appointment came to and end I told her how grateful I was that she came to her appointment today. She gave me a big hug and I couldn't help, but she some tears. I believe our angels had their hands in us meeting and sharing our expeienrces. I hope that I can endure the way Donna has. Her angel son is beyond a doubt so proud of her.
I read a book that a fellow angel mom gave me, called "The uses of Adversity", In it, it says, the gospel of Jesus Christ is not an insurance against pain, it is resource in event of pain. This could not be more true and fitting.
Monday, September 28, 2015
Tuesday, August 4, 2015
Camping trip
We took Mason camping last weekend for the first time. We were so anxious to go anywhere far just in case it didn't go as planned... we really wanted to go to the Teton's since I have never been, but decided to meet our friends in Idaho Falls and just find somewhere to camp close to that area. We camped at this cute little place called Kelly canyon. It was a pretty campground right next to a river. It felt so good to be in the great outdoors. It was so peaceful (besides the pesky mosquitoes that is). Mason did great on the drive up and slept the entire way. We made tinfoil dinners and just hung around camp. At Mason's original bedtime I went and laid him in the tent just in the pack and play that we brought up. He loved just laying there looking up at the leaves on the tree that were blowing right above him. It soon got really dark and he fussed a little bit before drifting off to sleep. When Heath and I went into bed he felt so cold, so I picked him up and cuddled him for a few hours. I just stared at him during those hours in the still of the night. I just took in his beautiful, perfect face and his perfect features. He has the cutest little button nose and lips that are just perfectly pouted. I couldn't help to feel the absence of Boston and him not being at our first campout as a family. I felt his little spirit near as I cuddled Mason that night. I didn't get much sleep, but sure had fun cuddling that baby of mine. We can't wait to go camping again! Mason loved being outside and seeing all of the new scenery. I loved getting away with my little family and can't wait to go again!
Monday, July 27, 2015
SIX month milestones
You guys.... my baby (babies) are/would be 6 months old yesterday! Its so weird, but time has just stood still it seems like. I feel like its still February, here it is JULY...
Mason has been hitting so many milestones this last little while. It feels like everyday he can do something that he couldn't the day before. Last night he decided to roll in the tub. Yes, you read that right. He went head first into the water like it was no big deal. He swallowed some water, but luckily daddy has cat like reflexes and caught him pretty quick.
His 6 month stats:
Weight 17.2 lbs= 48 %
Height: 26 inches = 40%
Head 43.8 = 28%
He is doing so well. I think the best thing as a mom is watching your baby grow. He brings so much joy and happiness into our lives. Life truly is so much better with him around. I ran into an old classmate and we talked about having kids. She said doesn't it just rock your world? I couldn't agree. It really hasn't. My mom keeps telling me how lucky I am to have such a good baby. I complain about him sleeping too much whcn all I want him to do is hurry and wake up so we can play when most other moms would kill to have their babies sleep half as much as Mason does. I do consider myself SO lucky. Heath and I talk about how Mason has always been the fiesty one ( he clearly isn't very fiesty). We often talk about what Boston would've been like since he was always the sweet, content baby.
Mason currently loves:
* Bath time (he always has from day 1), well.. not NICU baths
*pulling the blanket over his head at night,
*sucking his fingers (index and thumb all at once),
*snuggling after nursing,
* watching TV,
*He loves laying with mommy and daddy in bed at night while we watch parks and rec
* Loves napping in his swing and carseat
* Going to movies at the theater. WE have been to Inside Out and Jurrasic world
He currently dislikes:
*Getting ready for bed. After we bathe him and put him on his changing table, every night without fail he starts crying. It's like he knows whats coming and is so mad about it. If I take him and get him dressed elsewhere he doesn't do this and he only cries on his changing table after his baths. Its funny.
*Peaches
*Binkies, he prefers his fingers
He started:
*Eating cereal. He likes it... sorta. I gave him peaches with his cereal the other day and he DID NOT LIKE IT. Thats a problem that we will have to work on, seeing that grandpa Valcarce is a Peach farmer and grows THE BEST peaches.
* Grabbing at things while in his saucer
He is working on:
*Sitting up by himself
*rolling over
*"liking" tummy time
Mason is such a sweet baby. I know Boston would've been just as sweet, maybe sweeter. Happy half birthday beautiful baby boys. Sending our love to heaven tonight.
Mason has been hitting so many milestones this last little while. It feels like everyday he can do something that he couldn't the day before. Last night he decided to roll in the tub. Yes, you read that right. He went head first into the water like it was no big deal. He swallowed some water, but luckily daddy has cat like reflexes and caught him pretty quick.
His 6 month stats:
Weight 17.2 lbs= 48 %
Height: 26 inches = 40%
Head 43.8 = 28%
He is doing so well. I think the best thing as a mom is watching your baby grow. He brings so much joy and happiness into our lives. Life truly is so much better with him around. I ran into an old classmate and we talked about having kids. She said doesn't it just rock your world? I couldn't agree. It really hasn't. My mom keeps telling me how lucky I am to have such a good baby. I complain about him sleeping too much whcn all I want him to do is hurry and wake up so we can play when most other moms would kill to have their babies sleep half as much as Mason does. I do consider myself SO lucky. Heath and I talk about how Mason has always been the fiesty one ( he clearly isn't very fiesty). We often talk about what Boston would've been like since he was always the sweet, content baby.
Mason currently loves:
* Bath time (he always has from day 1), well.. not NICU baths
*pulling the blanket over his head at night,
*sucking his fingers (index and thumb all at once),
*snuggling after nursing,
* watching TV,
*He loves laying with mommy and daddy in bed at night while we watch parks and rec
* Loves napping in his swing and carseat
* Going to movies at the theater. WE have been to Inside Out and Jurrasic world
He currently dislikes:
*Getting ready for bed. After we bathe him and put him on his changing table, every night without fail he starts crying. It's like he knows whats coming and is so mad about it. If I take him and get him dressed elsewhere he doesn't do this and he only cries on his changing table after his baths. Its funny.
*Peaches
*Binkies, he prefers his fingers
He started:
*Eating cereal. He likes it... sorta. I gave him peaches with his cereal the other day and he DID NOT LIKE IT. Thats a problem that we will have to work on, seeing that grandpa Valcarce is a Peach farmer and grows THE BEST peaches.
* Grabbing at things while in his saucer
He is working on:
*Sitting up by himself
*rolling over
*"liking" tummy time
Mason is such a sweet baby. I know Boston would've been just as sweet, maybe sweeter. Happy half birthday beautiful baby boys. Sending our love to heaven tonight.
Sunday, July 5, 2015
Good Memories
Last week we attended a grief group. Our homework assignment was to write about a happy memory that we had with the loved one that we have lost.
I have a few happy memories that I want to share.
Looking back during that time everything was such a blur. So many things were happening to me physically. SO many pain meds and the first 5 nights after the boys were born were exhausting and painful.
The first memory that I have and will forever cherish is seeing you for the first time. Your isolete was the first one, followed by Mason's. It took everything I had to get into that wheelchair to get over to the NICU so I could meet you. You were 5 hours old. I was wheeled by your isolete and got to hold you. It was hard getting past all of the wires that were coming out of what seemed like everywhere from your tiny 3 pound body. You were the cutest baby I had ever seen. You held my finger so tightly as I held you in my arms. You would blow bubbles out of your mouth and didn't like the feeding tube that was down your throat. I wished so badly that you didn't have to be so small and need a feeding tube. I wanted to kiss your little face off, but I was nervous I would give you germs so I settled on kissing your head. Looking back I regret that. You were perfect. Amidst the noise of the monitors going off all around us.... you and I were in our own little perfect, peaceful bubble.
The second happy memory was when you were 3 days old we got to be reunited again (ALL THREE OF US!!) I was so excited to hold both you and Mason together. It seemed like you guys knew exactly what to do. Mason would snuggle up to you and put his face on the back of your head. He loved feeling your hair on his nose. I will never forget those precious moments snuggling you. Most of the time it hurts too much to think about those memories, but today I am just going to be happy for the times we did share and all of those hours mommy got to snuggle you.
Good memories are a special gift that can never be lost, ruined, or fade with time. Until I see you again my sweet baby Boston. Mommy loves you so much and would give anything to be snuggling you right this minute. Sending kisses to heaven tonight my little angel.
Love,
Your Mommy
I have a few happy memories that I want to share.
Looking back during that time everything was such a blur. So many things were happening to me physically. SO many pain meds and the first 5 nights after the boys were born were exhausting and painful.
The first memory that I have and will forever cherish is seeing you for the first time. Your isolete was the first one, followed by Mason's. It took everything I had to get into that wheelchair to get over to the NICU so I could meet you. You were 5 hours old. I was wheeled by your isolete and got to hold you. It was hard getting past all of the wires that were coming out of what seemed like everywhere from your tiny 3 pound body. You were the cutest baby I had ever seen. You held my finger so tightly as I held you in my arms. You would blow bubbles out of your mouth and didn't like the feeding tube that was down your throat. I wished so badly that you didn't have to be so small and need a feeding tube. I wanted to kiss your little face off, but I was nervous I would give you germs so I settled on kissing your head. Looking back I regret that. You were perfect. Amidst the noise of the monitors going off all around us.... you and I were in our own little perfect, peaceful bubble.
The second happy memory was when you were 3 days old we got to be reunited again (ALL THREE OF US!!) I was so excited to hold both you and Mason together. It seemed like you guys knew exactly what to do. Mason would snuggle up to you and put his face on the back of your head. He loved feeling your hair on his nose. I will never forget those precious moments snuggling you. Most of the time it hurts too much to think about those memories, but today I am just going to be happy for the times we did share and all of those hours mommy got to snuggle you.
Good memories are a special gift that can never be lost, ruined, or fade with time. Until I see you again my sweet baby Boston. Mommy loves you so much and would give anything to be snuggling you right this minute. Sending kisses to heaven tonight my little angel.
Love,
Your Mommy
Sunday, June 28, 2015
The tale of two trees
While Mason was being hospitilazed at PCMC we had a special friend come and visit us. She gave us two of the same exact pine trees. She said that the two trees symbolized each of our boys and that when we planted them we could watch them grow together. I thought this was the most thoughtful and perfect gift. Let me tell you more about these
TREES
As we lived in the Ronald Mcdonald house, we didnt have any place to really keep these trees. We took care of them as well as we could until we could get them home and plant them. We finally got them home and it was now time to plant them. We carefully took them and planted them in the same soil. We gave them both the same amount of love and nourishment that they would need to flourish. We planted them in the same pot and were anxious to watch them start growing. Little did we know what would happen next.
What started out as 2 beautiful, green, very much alive trees, quickly became sick and withered.
The first tree became sick. So much so that the tree died. Very quickly. We tried to do everything we could to save it, but it was too late... it had already gotten too sick.
Before we could blink an eye we realized that when the first tree died, the second tree became sick too. Because the first tree had died, we had a more careful watch for the second tree. We became more aware of where the tree was placed, if we were giving it enough water or not and any other things that could be going on. You could imagine our dismay when the second tree started to become just as sick right in front of our eyes. It was headed down the same path the first tree took.
The second tree got sick. Very sick. A lot of waiting to see what would happen next. It took a lot of time to nurture back to health. There were a lot of rainstorms and dry days that seemed like they were never going to end. There were even days when we weren't sure if the second and our only tree left would survive the circumstances and be able to survive the elements that were taking place in its very roots.
A change (miracle) occurred....
The second tree started springing life. Green leaves were starting to grow in the very smallest portion at the very tip top of the plant. Hope was ensued. As we nourished that tree back to health, it started springing more and more branches and leaves. As time continues to move forward, this tree continues to grow bigger and healthier.
TREES
What started out as 2 beautiful, green, very much alive trees, quickly became sick and withered.
The first tree became sick. So much so that the tree died. Very quickly. We tried to do everything we could to save it, but it was too late... it had already gotten too sick.
Before we could blink an eye we realized that when the first tree died, the second tree became sick too. Because the first tree had died, we had a more careful watch for the second tree. We became more aware of where the tree was placed, if we were giving it enough water or not and any other things that could be going on. You could imagine our dismay when the second tree started to become just as sick right in front of our eyes. It was headed down the same path the first tree took.
The second tree got sick. Very sick. A lot of waiting to see what would happen next. It took a lot of time to nurture back to health. There were a lot of rainstorms and dry days that seemed like they were never going to end. There were even days when we weren't sure if the second and our only tree left would survive the circumstances and be able to survive the elements that were taking place in its very roots.
A change (miracle) occurred....
The second tree started springing life. Green leaves were starting to grow in the very smallest portion at the very tip top of the plant. Hope was ensued. As we nourished that tree back to health, it started springing more and more branches and leaves. As time continues to move forward, this tree continues to grow bigger and healthier.
.
So, as the story goes with our twin boys. I don't think its coincidence the path these plants took. Our boys came into this world together healthy and very much alive. Boston our first born got sick without any kind of warning. The very next day Mason (the second tree) became sick, very sick with the same thing that had claimed the life of our first born the previous day. It was a long road, with many hurdles to overcome to nourish him back to health, but as you can see with the tree.. everyday he continues to grow and spring new life. This plant reminds me of the hope and life that Mason brings into our home.
-Love, the mommy of a special angel and his twin brother.
Saturday, June 13, 2015
You will live forever in our hearts
Mason has been so darn cute these last few weeks...
I went in to get him up for the day and he was in his crib wide awake, looking up towards the ceiling just smiling and cooing. I think he was talking to Boston.
He has been a little more fussy lately napping in his crib. It's like he misses being snuggled up close to his brother. I will go in and wrap my hands around his head and tummy and that makes him happy.
Two nights ago, Mason was crying while trying to put him down for the night. Heath wanted to rock him, so as he was rocking him Mason just couldn't keep his eyes off Daddy. Without saying a word, Mason would just look up at his Dad and just kept giving him these big smiles over and over again. It was the cutest thing.
He did the same thing with me last night as I was nursing him. He just couldn't stop smiling. These are the moments I want to freeze.
I have been thinking a lot about Boston this week. I miss him so much my heart aches. I know Mason must too. I keep thinking about the conversation I had with my 4 1/2 year old niece and how so nonchalantly she says, "April, I think Mason is crying because he misses his brother".
It seems like this week, more so than others Boston is more near. Or maybe he's always near, this week I have just been recognizing it more. What I would give to have him here with us.... until the day I get to see him again, he will live forever in my heart.
We love you and miss you everyday Boston!
Boston slideshow
I went in to get him up for the day and he was in his crib wide awake, looking up towards the ceiling just smiling and cooing. I think he was talking to Boston.
He has been a little more fussy lately napping in his crib. It's like he misses being snuggled up close to his brother. I will go in and wrap my hands around his head and tummy and that makes him happy.
Two nights ago, Mason was crying while trying to put him down for the night. Heath wanted to rock him, so as he was rocking him Mason just couldn't keep his eyes off Daddy. Without saying a word, Mason would just look up at his Dad and just kept giving him these big smiles over and over again. It was the cutest thing.
He did the same thing with me last night as I was nursing him. He just couldn't stop smiling. These are the moments I want to freeze.
I have been thinking a lot about Boston this week. I miss him so much my heart aches. I know Mason must too. I keep thinking about the conversation I had with my 4 1/2 year old niece and how so nonchalantly she says, "April, I think Mason is crying because he misses his brother".
It seems like this week, more so than others Boston is more near. Or maybe he's always near, this week I have just been recognizing it more. What I would give to have him here with us.... until the day I get to see him again, he will live forever in my heart.
We love you and miss you everyday Boston!
Boston slideshow
Sunday, June 7, 2015
Celebrating lives times two
Today was Mason's blessing day. I have dreamed about having my baby blessed long before I ever had babies... better yet, long before I was even married. As a young girl, I loved watching fast Sunday's where there would be a baby blessing in our ward. I loved watching these cute Dads that held the priesthood go up and give their baby a blessing. I always wanted to make sure I found a Man/husband/Dad that could bless our baby someday.
I did.
A great man/husband/dad too.
As I started preparing for this day weeks ago it only felt right to include Boston on this special day. I decided that I would make a banner with each of their names and make sure to decorate with a picture of Mason wearing Daddy's necklace that has Boston's name on it. It was perfect.
After preparing food, finding a blessing outfit, decorating, setting up, etc, etc, I felt like I wanted to go somewhere quiet where I could be alone with my thoughts. This morning I woke up early and listened to some of my favorite hymns as I was getting ready. Heath and I knelt at our bed and I said a prayer for us, a prayer for Mason and a prayer for Boston, that we would be able to feel him near.
Mason woke up all smiles this morning almost like he knew it was a special day. Not almost, I know he knew it was a special day. He is always such a happy baby, but last night he didn't get to bed until midnight so i was a little worried about what this morning would bring. We got him dressed and ready and headed to the church. While driving, I told Heath i had butterflies. He said he did too. We had been excited for this day, but sad that Boston wasn't physically here with us. We knew it was going to be a day, yet again for all kinds of emotions.
We got to church and got situated. Soon it was time for Mason to get blessed. The church was packed seeing that there were 2 other babies getting blessed. Mason was first. Heath gave him a beautiful blessing and got emotional giving it. I got emotional too. My brother Tom who was also in the blessing circle said that Mason was just staring up at his Daddy the entire blessing. I know for a fact Boston was there watching over his little brother. I felt it.
I got up to bear my testimony. I had so many things that I wanted to say, but getting up in front of so many people gets me every time. I have been feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for my family and friends. We have had so much support. I forgot to tell my sister Jill how grateful I am for her through this whole tragedy because she sadly enough knows my pain. She lost her sweet boy Gage 4 years ago this year. He was only 4 1/2 years old. I have leaned on her a lot. She gets it. I forgot to tell Mason how grateful I am for him and for the opportunity that I get to be his mom. He makes life so GOOD. I cannot imagine life without him. HE is the happiest, most pleasant personality, best baby. I just can't get enough of him. I love staring into his big blue eyes, singing "Hello" to him (which he loves) and seeing his big smile. He lights up my heart and my life.
After church was over, my mom came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how proud of me she was. She told me how strong I was and how awesome she thought I was. She got emotional when she said it and it meant so much to me to hear that from her.
We spent our time afterwards with our family and friends. Everyone loved holding Mason. My niece Gentry got to hold him for the first time and was so excited about it. Before she held him, she was talking to me while I changed Mason's diaper. She told me that her Mommy was having a boy baby and that she wanted to name him Fischer. Gentry said she didn't like that name and that she wanted to name her baby brother Gage. She went on to say that she couldn't name him Gage because they already had a Gage, but he was dead. It broke my heart to hear her say that. I told her that she was about Mason's age when she was in the car accident that claimed the life of her brother. We continued the conversation a few minutes later when she asked my what my other baby's name was again. She asked where Boston was and I said he was in heaven with Gage. She said and heavenly father right? I said Yes. She asked why? I said because he got sick with a really bad infection in his tummy. Mason started fussing just a little at this point and Gentry looked at me and said April, I think he is crying because he misses his brother. It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. Child like innocence is the best. I love that little girl.
Today was such a special day for my little family. I have felt saddened as I dame home after the day was done and everyone had gone home. I felt sad as i wondered what Boston would've looked like in his blessing outfit. I felt sad thinking about the love that I have for Mason ans how that love just keeps growing with time. Time i didn't get with Boston.
Today marked exactly 4 months to the very day that we watched as Heath and other members of my family gathered around Boston and gave him a name and blessing right before we took him off life support. It was so noisy due to the ventilator that was breathing for him, but I am grateful Heath was able to do that. We miss Boston everyday. Today we celebrate the time we got to spend with Boston and the time we continue to spend with Mason.
I did.
A great man/husband/dad too.
As I started preparing for this day weeks ago it only felt right to include Boston on this special day. I decided that I would make a banner with each of their names and make sure to decorate with a picture of Mason wearing Daddy's necklace that has Boston's name on it. It was perfect.
After preparing food, finding a blessing outfit, decorating, setting up, etc, etc, I felt like I wanted to go somewhere quiet where I could be alone with my thoughts. This morning I woke up early and listened to some of my favorite hymns as I was getting ready. Heath and I knelt at our bed and I said a prayer for us, a prayer for Mason and a prayer for Boston, that we would be able to feel him near.
Mason woke up all smiles this morning almost like he knew it was a special day. Not almost, I know he knew it was a special day. He is always such a happy baby, but last night he didn't get to bed until midnight so i was a little worried about what this morning would bring. We got him dressed and ready and headed to the church. While driving, I told Heath i had butterflies. He said he did too. We had been excited for this day, but sad that Boston wasn't physically here with us. We knew it was going to be a day, yet again for all kinds of emotions.
We got to church and got situated. Soon it was time for Mason to get blessed. The church was packed seeing that there were 2 other babies getting blessed. Mason was first. Heath gave him a beautiful blessing and got emotional giving it. I got emotional too. My brother Tom who was also in the blessing circle said that Mason was just staring up at his Daddy the entire blessing. I know for a fact Boston was there watching over his little brother. I felt it.
I got up to bear my testimony. I had so many things that I wanted to say, but getting up in front of so many people gets me every time. I have been feeling overwhelmed with gratitude for my family and friends. We have had so much support. I forgot to tell my sister Jill how grateful I am for her through this whole tragedy because she sadly enough knows my pain. She lost her sweet boy Gage 4 years ago this year. He was only 4 1/2 years old. I have leaned on her a lot. She gets it. I forgot to tell Mason how grateful I am for him and for the opportunity that I get to be his mom. He makes life so GOOD. I cannot imagine life without him. HE is the happiest, most pleasant personality, best baby. I just can't get enough of him. I love staring into his big blue eyes, singing "Hello" to him (which he loves) and seeing his big smile. He lights up my heart and my life.
After church was over, my mom came up to me and gave me a big hug and told me how proud of me she was. She told me how strong I was and how awesome she thought I was. She got emotional when she said it and it meant so much to me to hear that from her.
We spent our time afterwards with our family and friends. Everyone loved holding Mason. My niece Gentry got to hold him for the first time and was so excited about it. Before she held him, she was talking to me while I changed Mason's diaper. She told me that her Mommy was having a boy baby and that she wanted to name him Fischer. Gentry said she didn't like that name and that she wanted to name her baby brother Gage. She went on to say that she couldn't name him Gage because they already had a Gage, but he was dead. It broke my heart to hear her say that. I told her that she was about Mason's age when she was in the car accident that claimed the life of her brother. We continued the conversation a few minutes later when she asked my what my other baby's name was again. She asked where Boston was and I said he was in heaven with Gage. She said and heavenly father right? I said Yes. She asked why? I said because he got sick with a really bad infection in his tummy. Mason started fussing just a little at this point and Gentry looked at me and said April, I think he is crying because he misses his brother. It was the sweetest thing I have ever heard. Child like innocence is the best. I love that little girl.
Today was such a special day for my little family. I have felt saddened as I dame home after the day was done and everyone had gone home. I felt sad as i wondered what Boston would've looked like in his blessing outfit. I felt sad thinking about the love that I have for Mason ans how that love just keeps growing with time. Time i didn't get with Boston.
Today marked exactly 4 months to the very day that we watched as Heath and other members of my family gathered around Boston and gave him a name and blessing right before we took him off life support. It was so noisy due to the ventilator that was breathing for him, but I am grateful Heath was able to do that. We miss Boston everyday. Today we celebrate the time we got to spend with Boston and the time we continue to spend with Mason.
Tuesday, June 2, 2015
One day at a time
Heath and I have been looking back at a lot of pictures from our "NICU" stays. It was such a nightmare of a situation that I can't remember a whole lot about it. It all seems so blurry. I was in survival mode. After losing one baby, then the very next day watching my second and last baby start getting sick with the same horrible thing and in that moment saying to myself, "Okay heavenly father, if you have to take Mason too I guess I will just have to figure he needed to be with his brother, but I'm going to be right here fighting for him to stay". That moment while we were still at the NICU in Ogden and got word that the best thing for Mason at that time was for him to be transferred to Primarys. I looked at Heaths face and pure horror came across his face. He wanted to walk out and he said I cant do this again. I looked at him and said I know, but we have to do it for Mason. We stayed by Mason's side from here on out. Blood work, fine we will stay. IV, yes we were right there with him. Blood transfusion, EKG, central line (we couldn't stay for that, but we would have). I remember calling my mom and telling her Mase was being transferred. She kept saying, NO. No. Are you serious? You could imagine the shock. My brother Mark called and I said, yes we are going right now by ambulance. I can't remember exactly, but it seems like our families were gathered in the waiting room at Primary's when we got there. The same exact place where they had gathered the night before.
We were sent by ambulance to SLC. I remember walking out of the hospital following my baby in his isolete being wheeled by the Primary team thinking is this really happening? I had no idea the long road that we were just about to journey down. What we had been through the previous day was enough to send one over the edge, but here we had to put ourselves a side and be strong for Mason. I started out sitting in the back of the ambulance with my baby while Heath was up with the driver. We didn't get out of the parking lot before I had a wave of nausea come over me and had to switch Heath. That was the longest ride of my entire life. It was about 6pm and the city lights were too much for my bloodshot eyes. The driver tried to make small talk to keep my mind off things. He was a sweet man. We finally made it to Primary's and Mason was wheeled into the very hall where we just had left the previous night after saying our final goodbyes to Boston. I didn't want to ever see that place again, but again I had to. For Mason.
 |
| This is a picture of Mason the morning after we lost Boston, before we knew he was getting sick. |
We were sent by ambulance to SLC. I remember walking out of the hospital following my baby in his isolete being wheeled by the Primary team thinking is this really happening? I had no idea the long road that we were just about to journey down. What we had been through the previous day was enough to send one over the edge, but here we had to put ourselves a side and be strong for Mason. I started out sitting in the back of the ambulance with my baby while Heath was up with the driver. We didn't get out of the parking lot before I had a wave of nausea come over me and had to switch Heath. That was the longest ride of my entire life. It was about 6pm and the city lights were too much for my bloodshot eyes. The driver tried to make small talk to keep my mind off things. He was a sweet man. We finally made it to Primary's and Mason was wheeled into the very hall where we just had left the previous night after saying our final goodbyes to Boston. I didn't want to ever see that place again, but again I had to. For Mason.
That night was L.O.N.G. and the scariest night of my life not knowing if I was going to leave this hospital with no baby in tow. We had arrived at Primary's just in time. Mason started showing progressively worse signs. He had a bloody stool, his blood gas levels were rising to scary levels, he was so pale, and started crying unconsolably. The nurses would push on his stomach and he would wail out in pain. They gave him pain meds to help calm him down. In the meantime, watching Heath holding Mason while he was screaming with tears running down his face was one of the saddest things I have ever seen. That was Heath's breaking point.
The surgery team was prepping us for surgery so he would be ready if and when the bowel perforated. They took at KUB (stomach x-ray) every 2 hours. At midnight the x-ray didn't show any signs of improvement, but didn't look worse. A relief. The x-ray at 2 am would be critical in the actions that would follow. Our families were still in the waiting room waiting to hear any word. I would've loved to have heard the conversations in that room. We would go out and update them, then go right back into Mason. TWO am came and the technician came to do the x-ray. Mason had calmed down at this point and was sleeping soundly. The nurse that night made the comment that he was starting to look better and I couldn't help to agree.
A MIRACLE HAPPENED.
The x-ray showed improvement and the Nurse Practitioner and Doctor on call said by the looks of it we had turned a corner! We were ecstatic! They said surgery team would still keep their eye on him, but that at this point in time it didn't look like we would be going down that road. I will never forget walking in that waiting room to tell the news to our families. When we walked in, I feel like they were trying to read our faces. We hurriedly told them the news and shouts, cheers and pure relief filled the room. We hugged each and every one of them. They left for home and we stayed just down the hall in the NICU where they have a few rooms available for parents to sleep. We were beyond exhausted. Heath and I curled up on this tiny couch/ pull out bed type of thing and tried to get some rest. The nurse promised to come and get us if anything changed throughout the rest of the morning.
Thank goodness it didn't. We woke up a few hours later and went to Mason's bedside. He looked peaceful and a lot better than the previous night. he still looked sick, but better. They came in to do rounds that morning and told us what to expect next. The plan was to withhold feeds for 7-14 days and administered 2 different antibiotics that would help fight the bacteria in his little belly.
Thursday, May 28, 2015
Memorial Day
We went on our first road trip last weekend. I know, how could I go on a trip during memorial day, especially after losing our baby? I had the same thought. Here's the thing: Heath's family goes to Moab every year during Memorial Day weekend. I had the thought many times that I should just stay home because I wanted to be close to the cemetery on that special day that only comes once a year. That day dedicated to remember all of our loved ones who have passed away.
Heath was so excited to get out and I thought it sounded nice to get a way too. His entire extended family (minus one uncle and his kids) were going to be there. We are talking cousins we haven't seen since our wedding which was FIVE years ago. Speaking of, we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday by driving to Moab. Exciting right? :) WE did celebrate the night before by going to dinner at Taco time. Long story, but then again we live in Brigham City... not too many exciting places to choose from. It was fun reminiscing about all the memories, the ups and downs, the happiest of times and the saddest of times. Heath and I have been through so much together. Especially this year. Heath told me I was a lot stronger than he gave me credit for. I thought that was such a compliment. I guess I have always known I can do hard things which was instilled in me by my amazing Momma who has done lots of "hard things" her entire life. Its interesting how some people are tested and tried and then tested and tried some more.
Back to our weekend. Moab turned out to be good. I am glad that we went. Mason did great on the drive down and back. That baby loves riding in the car and goes right to sleep the second we start driving. We got to go on a few rides which was awesome. Heath and I got to ride in the back of a razor while his cousin drove us around. It was refreshing to feel the wind blowing on our faces, watching the beautiful red rock scenery as we cruised on by and being able to sit all cuddled up together with my hubby. It seemed so normal. Normal is good.
Monday morning we said goodbye to everyone and hurried back to get to the cemetery. Boston's headstone got put in the Wednesday before we left, but wasn't all the way completed so I was antsy to get back to see it. It really hit me seeing his name on a headstone that this is real. Not a bad dream. Reality. It was tough seeing. The headstone turned out great even though it wasn't the one we picked out and his picture wasn't able to be mounted because there was an issue with the size. Kind of a bummer, but what can ya do? They are going to fix it for us which is all that matters.
The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flowers around. Heath and I sat by Boston's grave and I was overcome with thoughts about my healthy little boy that left too soon. Heath mentioned to me that we could be at the cemetery visiting both our boys. We came so close to having that happen. I am so grateful for Mason and that we have him here on earth with us. I'm also grateful for our angel Boston who is in heaven always watching over us.
Memorial Day 2015 will be one we will never forget.
Heath was so excited to get out and I thought it sounded nice to get a way too. His entire extended family (minus one uncle and his kids) were going to be there. We are talking cousins we haven't seen since our wedding which was FIVE years ago. Speaking of, we celebrated our 5th wedding anniversary on Friday by driving to Moab. Exciting right? :) WE did celebrate the night before by going to dinner at Taco time. Long story, but then again we live in Brigham City... not too many exciting places to choose from. It was fun reminiscing about all the memories, the ups and downs, the happiest of times and the saddest of times. Heath and I have been through so much together. Especially this year. Heath told me I was a lot stronger than he gave me credit for. I thought that was such a compliment. I guess I have always known I can do hard things which was instilled in me by my amazing Momma who has done lots of "hard things" her entire life. Its interesting how some people are tested and tried and then tested and tried some more.
Back to our weekend. Moab turned out to be good. I am glad that we went. Mason did great on the drive down and back. That baby loves riding in the car and goes right to sleep the second we start driving. We got to go on a few rides which was awesome. Heath and I got to ride in the back of a razor while his cousin drove us around. It was refreshing to feel the wind blowing on our faces, watching the beautiful red rock scenery as we cruised on by and being able to sit all cuddled up together with my hubby. It seemed so normal. Normal is good.
Monday morning we said goodbye to everyone and hurried back to get to the cemetery. Boston's headstone got put in the Wednesday before we left, but wasn't all the way completed so I was antsy to get back to see it. It really hit me seeing his name on a headstone that this is real. Not a bad dream. Reality. It was tough seeing. The headstone turned out great even though it wasn't the one we picked out and his picture wasn't able to be mounted because there was an issue with the size. Kind of a bummer, but what can ya do? They are going to fix it for us which is all that matters.
The cemetery looked beautiful with all the flowers around. Heath and I sat by Boston's grave and I was overcome with thoughts about my healthy little boy that left too soon. Heath mentioned to me that we could be at the cemetery visiting both our boys. We came so close to having that happen. I am so grateful for Mason and that we have him here on earth with us. I'm also grateful for our angel Boston who is in heaven always watching over us.
Memorial Day 2015 will be one we will never forget.
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Mother's Day
Some people dread this day every year. Others look forward to this one day a year that we celebrate the "MOMS" in our lives. Up until this point in my life it has always been Father's day that I utterly hate. Growing up without a Dad will do that to you. Now that day is dedicated and celebrated for my sweet husband and father of my boys. That being said, it is still a hard day for me.
This Mother's day was bittersweet as one could imagine it would be. A tug a war of emotions which this whole situation has been since we lost sweet baby Boston. My husband says it best in a poem he wrote which I will share on this blog at some point. This day marked the first Mother's day that I experienced as a mom and the first Mother's day that I experienced as a mom that has lost a child. Two extremes. I couldn't help but crying as I got Mason out of his crib that morning and feeling so grateful for him. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. As the day continued I felt such great joy to be a Mom. To be Mason's mom. To be Boston's mom. With that gratitude comes deep sadness. Even though my arms are full, I'm longing to hold my other baby. On Sunday while visiting the cemetery, I came to the difficult realization that most holidays will end here visiting Boston and telling Mason stories about his older brother. Here are some pictures from my first Mother's day as a Mother......
A few of the amazing women in my life
This Mother's day was bittersweet as one could imagine it would be. A tug a war of emotions which this whole situation has been since we lost sweet baby Boston. My husband says it best in a poem he wrote which I will share on this blog at some point. This day marked the first Mother's day that I experienced as a mom and the first Mother's day that I experienced as a mom that has lost a child. Two extremes. I couldn't help but crying as I got Mason out of his crib that morning and feeling so grateful for him. I was overwhelmed with gratitude. As the day continued I felt such great joy to be a Mom. To be Mason's mom. To be Boston's mom. With that gratitude comes deep sadness. Even though my arms are full, I'm longing to hold my other baby. On Sunday while visiting the cemetery, I came to the difficult realization that most holidays will end here visiting Boston and telling Mason stories about his older brother. Here are some pictures from my first Mother's day as a Mother......
Last but not least, to these darling boys that made me a mom.
(the last time I held Bos and Mase together.)
Happy Mother's day to all you incredible moms out there!
XOXOXOXO
Monday, May 4, 2015
A few "firsts"
It was Mason's first day at church yesterday. We headed to a baby blessing. Since Daddy couldn't come with us, I had to document and take a lot of pictures. During Sacrament I took you out of your carseat and just snuggled you while you slept. I had a hard time paying attention to anything but you. I couldn't stop staring at your perfect little face. I can't believe you are mine. I am the luckiest. I have often heard twin mommies with an angel baby in heaven say the survivor twin is so special and a big blessing to their families. Mason is no different. He is unlike any other baby. There is something so calming about him. He is so good natured, doesn't cry or fuss and is very easy going. My family would joke when we first brought him home saying they wondered if he was okay because he never cried. I just say he was happy to get out of the hospital. He had been through so much his first month of life, and now he didn't have anything to cry about. That changed the day momma was cutting his finger nails and accidentally got the pad of his little finger though.... :(
Yesterday I received the neatest gift from my brother Mark and his wife. It was so perfect and I cannot keep looking at ti. My sister in law told me it had been in the works since she first saw this picture and before Boston even got sick. It's so perfect. This was one of the first times I Held Boston and Mason together.
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This is the drawing of that same picture they had done.
It's so perfect.
Friday, May 1, 2015
Some call it fate
In November last year I purchased a car seat off of KSL. Expecting two babies was going to be expensive so I was trying to spend money wisely and be frugal in making the purchases that we needed before the babies arrival. After I bought 1 carseat I received a call from my fellow hygiene friend Ashley saying that she needed my help because she was trying to be a secret elf and it just wasn't working. I asked her who she was wanting to help and her reply was not what I was expecting to hear. She said, YOU! She continued to say that she, her parents, and one of our other hygiene friends wanted to get carseats for us. I started tearing up and told she didn't need to do that and that it was way too much, she said her mom was a twin and she knew how much stress and money go into preparing for two. I was so touched by their generosity.
I now had a carseat that I no longer needed, back on KSL it went. A soon to be momma started texting me about the carseat. We text back and forth and I was shocked when she told me she was expecting twins and even more so when she told me she was expecting boys just a month after my original due date to deliver my twin boys was. This was no coincidence. I worked in the city that she lived in and we arranged a time the next day that she could come take a look at it. As soon as I met her I felt like I had known her for years. We chatted about how excited we were to be moms. I remember her being really worried about getting her boys here and I reassured her she was doing a great job and everything would be great. Her boys were fraternal twins and as we talked back and forth I remember thinking how lucky she was because I knew that her carrying fraternal twins versus me carrying identical that her pregnancy was already a lot different than mine. NO high risk doctors, no weekly appointments, no risks of TTTS, she was "lucky" in my eyes.
Time passes quickly and we keep in touch by facebook and texting. I delivered my boys at 31 weeks and 5 days on January 26 and when I posted pictures it made her so excited anticipating the arrival of her babies. She came and supported us at Boston's funeral and I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of her boys. She delivered her sweet boys April 14. They were healthy and needed NO time in the NICU. When I saw her picture of their first family photo I thought that's how its supposed to be. A new mom. A new Dad. Two healthy babies wrapped up like burritos in mommy's arms. Well, I got to meet those boys yesterday! I was headed up to Logan, but noticed my tire looked a little low. I spent two hours getting my tire "fixed" and wasn't going to make it up to see her. I was so sad. I called her and she decided to come to my house and I was so happy. It was so good to see her and It felt so good to hold two babies at once again. It was comforting. I feel a bond to her babies. Finn is the oldest twin, but smallest, (Just like my Boston) he also has a red mark in his eye that Boston had also. Coincidence? Not sure, but I sure love that little Finn. We are excited to have park dates when our boys get bigger. Thanks for letting me cuddle those sweet babies!
I now had a carseat that I no longer needed, back on KSL it went. A soon to be momma started texting me about the carseat. We text back and forth and I was shocked when she told me she was expecting twins and even more so when she told me she was expecting boys just a month after my original due date to deliver my twin boys was. This was no coincidence. I worked in the city that she lived in and we arranged a time the next day that she could come take a look at it. As soon as I met her I felt like I had known her for years. We chatted about how excited we were to be moms. I remember her being really worried about getting her boys here and I reassured her she was doing a great job and everything would be great. Her boys were fraternal twins and as we talked back and forth I remember thinking how lucky she was because I knew that her carrying fraternal twins versus me carrying identical that her pregnancy was already a lot different than mine. NO high risk doctors, no weekly appointments, no risks of TTTS, she was "lucky" in my eyes.
Time passes quickly and we keep in touch by facebook and texting. I delivered my boys at 31 weeks and 5 days on January 26 and when I posted pictures it made her so excited anticipating the arrival of her babies. She came and supported us at Boston's funeral and I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of her boys. She delivered her sweet boys April 14. They were healthy and needed NO time in the NICU. When I saw her picture of their first family photo I thought that's how its supposed to be. A new mom. A new Dad. Two healthy babies wrapped up like burritos in mommy's arms. Well, I got to meet those boys yesterday! I was headed up to Logan, but noticed my tire looked a little low. I spent two hours getting my tire "fixed" and wasn't going to make it up to see her. I was so sad. I called her and she decided to come to my house and I was so happy. It was so good to see her and It felt so good to hold two babies at once again. It was comforting. I feel a bond to her babies. Finn is the oldest twin, but smallest, (Just like my Boston) he also has a red mark in his eye that Boston had also. Coincidence? Not sure, but I sure love that little Finn. We are excited to have park dates when our boys get bigger. Thanks for letting me cuddle those sweet babies!
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Asking the "hard" questions
This blog is all about reflecting and talking about things that are in my heart. That being said, the things I write won't always be happy things. Life is all about the journey which encompasses hard things. I have been reading this book called, "Finding Strength Through Adversity" and I wanted to share something I read today:
Celestial character development begins with finding true answers through sincere, soul searching questions. Yet, while we may find many answers in the gospel, those answers may not impact the soul profoundly or permanently until our own experiences impel us to ask the hard questions in life. Those who have arrived at gospel answers to life's difficult dilemmas merely by study may not come to that higher level of understanding that comes only to those who "study" in the school of suffering and sorrow. In this unique educational experience, the questions become more important than mere answers, the feelings more instructive than simple facts.
I have had to ask the hard questions. Not by choice. I have felt peace amidst all of the things I can't and don't yet understand. I feel myself wanting to go to peaceful places, so I can be alone with my thoughts. (There is a lot of the them). Bike rides to the middle of nowhere Brigham City USA are my favorite, along with the Ogden riverwalk trail.
Yesterday I took Mason out to station park with my good friend Jenny and her little boy. It was so good to get out. Heath went back to work this week, but we had such a good week spending time outside. We just recently took up Pickle ball and its so much fun! We took Mason up to Heath's parents for the first time Sunday. It was fun to see how excited his little cousins were to meet him. Mason slept through the WHOLE night last night!! Happy 3 month present to us! He continues to fill our home with such happiness and joy!
Pictures to come.....
Wednesday, April 22, 2015
Hard to face
Today was my first day back to work. I was feeling anxious about entering the "real world" again. So much has changed since I left my job at the beginning of January. I'm sure those that have suffered a loss of someone they love would agree with me when I say its hard to go back to doing things you once did before. Places you return to, or even seeing certain people bring back memories of whats been the darkest times of our lives. The mundane questions that people ask, the "small talk", conversations that used to be so simple now seem so forced and sometimes painful to answer.
Today I got asked by one of my patients how many kids I had. I got a smile on my face and proudly answered twin boys! After all, that is the truth. What I didn't say is that I gave birth to 2 boys, but only have 1 living boy. That part was to hard to say today. As this patient was leaving the office he said have fun with those boys. I smiled and said I will! I feel like I just told this patient something that wasn't true or just didn't tell him the whole truth. I feel like if I only said I had one child I would be letting you down Boston and by saying that would have meant that I had forgotten you when that is and will always be impossible. You are forever my child and I am forever your mom. I think I need to find a way to better answer this question... another day. For now, I will just focus on going back to doing things I once did and find a way to smile and be happy admidst the pain.
Update on Mason:
Daddy watched Mason today while I went to work. I couldn't wait to get home to them. Things are easier at home. Being with Mason helps heal my heart and feel closer to you. I bet you miss your brother. Mason smiled at me for the first time yesterday morning when I got him out of his crib. He has smiled before, but this was the first time he smiled, reacting to my voice. He is getting so big and weighs over 11 pounds now. He has such a sweet spirit about him and is such a good baby. Right now he loves bath time and kicks and moves all around. I feel so honored to be both of your moms. Having Mason is such an honor and so much fun. I can't imagine the joy it would be to have both of you here! I often find myself looking at Mason and pretending you are here too.
It's crazy that 3 months has gone by since you both came into the world and into our family. I hate that you were here for such a short amount of time. Thats the hardest part of all. Mommy misses you sweet boy.
Today I got asked by one of my patients how many kids I had. I got a smile on my face and proudly answered twin boys! After all, that is the truth. What I didn't say is that I gave birth to 2 boys, but only have 1 living boy. That part was to hard to say today. As this patient was leaving the office he said have fun with those boys. I smiled and said I will! I feel like I just told this patient something that wasn't true or just didn't tell him the whole truth. I feel like if I only said I had one child I would be letting you down Boston and by saying that would have meant that I had forgotten you when that is and will always be impossible. You are forever my child and I am forever your mom. I think I need to find a way to better answer this question... another day. For now, I will just focus on going back to doing things I once did and find a way to smile and be happy admidst the pain.
Update on Mason:
Daddy watched Mason today while I went to work. I couldn't wait to get home to them. Things are easier at home. Being with Mason helps heal my heart and feel closer to you. I bet you miss your brother. Mason smiled at me for the first time yesterday morning when I got him out of his crib. He has smiled before, but this was the first time he smiled, reacting to my voice. He is getting so big and weighs over 11 pounds now. He has such a sweet spirit about him and is such a good baby. Right now he loves bath time and kicks and moves all around. I feel so honored to be both of your moms. Having Mason is such an honor and so much fun. I can't imagine the joy it would be to have both of you here! I often find myself looking at Mason and pretending you are here too.
It's crazy that 3 months has gone by since you both came into the world and into our family. I hate that you were here for such a short amount of time. Thats the hardest part of all. Mommy misses you sweet boy.
Saturday, April 18, 2015
Mommy's birthday
Yesterday was Mommy's birthday. We left Mason for the first time so me and daddy could go to dinner. After dinner we decided to go to the cemetery to visit you. The lilac trees were in full bloom and smelled so good. It was such a beautiful spring night. Daddy and I both felt peace as we sat by the lilac trees and talked about you. I think that you were right there with us. We talked about how lucky we are to have been able to meet you and have you in our family. We know we have a little angel watching over us. As we sat looking at the beautiful mountains and clouds in the sky daddy said, "I know that we will see Boston again". I felt that too, such peace filled both of our hearts. This was my first birthday as a mom. You made me a mom. I know I will always be your mom and that you are mine forever.
Friday, April 17, 2015
Our story
Dear Boston,
I can remember August 13 2014 like yesterday. This was the day of my first pregnancy appointment. It started out like any normal Wednesday. Woke up, threw up a couple of times before heading to work at the dentist office, cleaned a lot of mouths and had an extremely busy day. I was so excited for the appointment that afternoon that the day still seemed to drag on. When I got home I hurried to scarf down a bowl of cold cereal (seemed to be the only thing that sounded somewhat good and that I could keep down)
I can remember August 13 2014 like yesterday. This was the day of my first pregnancy appointment. It started out like any normal Wednesday. Woke up, threw up a couple of times before heading to work at the dentist office, cleaned a lot of mouths and had an extremely busy day. I was so excited for the appointment that afternoon that the day still seemed to drag on. When I got home I hurried to scarf down a bowl of cold cereal (seemed to be the only thing that sounded somewhat good and that I could keep down)
We
arrived at the Circle of Life women's center and did A LOT of
paperwork. It was finally time to head back to the exam room.
We talked with the nurse and she said she would send the Doctor
in to come and chat before we did anything else. Our OB came in and we talked a little back and forth. I told him how
sick I had been and he came back with suggestions and medications
that would help. He asked if I had any other questions and I
said well, I guess I am just wondering if there is more than one
baby? I proceeded to tell him that both of my sisters had multiple
pregnancies. I thought he would laugh, but instead he cocked
his head to the side and said, And you have been really sick. I
jumped up on the exam table and we did an ultrasound to check things
out. Before he could say anything, Daddy looked at the
screen and said, wait... are there TWO? The Doctor laughed and
said yes, there are two babies in there. I put my hand on my
forehead and couldn't believe what I was hearing! I not only
have one baby growing inside of my tummy, but two babies! We
were shocked, nervous, excited all at the same time. The rest
of the appointment was kind of a blur talking about risks with
multiple pregnancies, etc. We went to eat at IN and Out burger
after the appointment. We sat outside on a table and we
couldn't believe the news. We couldn't talk about anything
else.
Time
quickly passed, as it did I seemed to get sicker and sicker. It
wouldn't be strange for me to throw up 4 or 5 times in the morning. It was rough, but I knew it was going to be so worth it! We started seeing a high risk doctor every two weeks. We loved these appointments. They lasted over and hour and the whole time they were doing an ultrasound so we got to see you and your brother moving all around. Your heads were always together and you both didn't like to cooperate very well for pictures, nonetheless you both were healthy and growing. We loved every minute of it. Daddy would always make sure he could make it to the appointments. If it was his on week at work he would hurry and finish all his work and meet me there. From the very beginning you were a lot smaller than Mason. They were worried for awhile when the size discrepancy reached 36%, but then being the fighter that you are; you caught up at the end of my pregnancy. Right before Christmas during one of our appointments they noticed a blood vessel right above my cervix (vasa previa) because this can be a very serious issue, this would mean that I would have to be hospitalized around week 30/31 and that our goal to keep you both in for was 34 weeks. During this time I was having a lot of anxiety. I had a really bad dream that I woke up and I wasn't pregnant anymore, Aunt Jill was by my side and I asked her where my babies were? She looked really sad and said you only have one baby. I brushed this off as a crazy pregnancy dream and didn't think anymore about it. Looking back, I feel like this was prompting in some strange way.
We couldn't wait to share the news with our families, I was so excited to tell Aunt Trisha since she has twins of her own I couldn't wait to hear her
reaction. It was just as great as I imagined it would be. She
cried! She knows the special bond that your cousins share with
each other and couldn't wait for me to experience having my own set
of twins. Grandma
Vickie recently got called to serve as the relief society president
in her ward and this was the ticket i had been waiting for. All of your aunts, uncles and cousins would be going to her house for Sunday dinner. We came up with a poem to announce each of your
arrivals. They were each in gift baskets with a teddy bear.
The first one read, a little ray of sunshine to lighten up our
days, March 2015 is when he or she will come our way. Every one
was so excited!! We waited five minutes or so and then I said
wait, there is more. heath brought out the second basket that
had this poem in it, These two angels will fill our hearts with joy,
but time will tell if these twins are girls or boys. Grandma
cried, and so did aunt Jill. You see Jill has 3 angel baby boys
of her own in heaven and this brought back a lot of memories for her.
Everyone thought this was the greatest news they had ever
heard. We told the Lewis family next and there reaction was
great! Aunt Aubree's reaction was so fun to see. She couldn't wait to have cousins for Chatham and Bridger. We were just as excited to tell them...
WE WERE HAVING BOYS!!
We bought two pairs of the cutest camouflage shoes and Uncle Cory took our pictures with BLUE balloons. I had a feeling we were having boys. We could't have been happier. Things got serious at this point and we started purchasing two of everything. Cribs(X2) Crib Mattresses(X2) etc. Even though I was so excited, I could never come to buy outfits for you two. Well, I bought one, but my mom was always joking that she didn't know why I wasn't more prepared. This I feel was yet another sign.
January 13, 2015 I was admitted to the hospital, just one day shy of 30 weeks. This was three days earlier than originally planned due to contractions that were minutes apart. We camped out in a tiny room for 13 days. Daddy and I had so much fun visiting with friends, family, and just spending time with each other. We had nothing to do and nowhere to go. Every night we got to hear your's and Mason's heartbeat for an hour. What I would give to go back to those days. Everything was so easy and carefree back then. A calm before the storm we we soon find out.
January
26, 2015 was the best day of my life. We had endured a long two
week hospital stay and I was ready to start the new chapter in my life
being a mommy. I was 31 weeks and 5 days. I delivered my
precious twin boys at 12:26 and 12:27pm. Boston, you were born first,
Mason was born 1 minute later. Both of you were healthy and doing
great. The biggest concern with premature babies are the lungs
not being fully developed. You guys did not have this problem
and were breathing oxygen with only needing nasal canula's. Since
I delivered via C-section, I couldn't go to the NICU until I could get out of bed and into a wheel chair. I made it to the
NICU you for the first time later that night. I didn't hold Mason until the next day because I was feeling so terrible. I
will never forget the way I felt seeing your tiny bodies hooked up
to so many IV's, breathing monitors, heart leads,etc. I don't think i was prepared for this. Monitors were going off
everywhere. My babies each in their own little incubators
and just so fragile and tiny. I felt overwhelmed with guilt.
If only I could've just carried you for a few more weeks, maybe
I did something wrong? The list went on and on. I will
never forget the first time I held you. I thought I knew what
love was before this day, but i was wrong. My heart was
bursting with love. As the first few days came and went, You and Mason were both exceeding everyone's expectations. It
seemed like everyday you were reaching and surpassing milestones.
Especially you, Boston. You were the smaller twin, but were doing
so good. We spent a lot of hours cuddling. It
was pure happiness. Daddy would often say, I have never
seen you so happy! Holding my boys together skin to skin was
indeed heaven. I held everything when I held you both in my arms.
 |
| Mommy holding both of your together for the first time! |
 |
I spent 5 days in the hospital after the delivery. I will never forget leaving you and Mason at the hospital that day and coming home to an empty house while having such an empty heart. I wasn't the same girl that left home almost a whole month ago. I was now a mommy and two parts of me were now missing. Our house felt so quiet. I couldn't wait till the day I got to bring you both home!
We spent the next week and a half commuting back and forth to the hospital. I was glad you guys were only 20 minutes away, but that still seemed too far away. I always felt so anxious to get to the hospital. Even at the hospital, I always felt such a rush to get in your room and be next to your beds.
On Friday, February 6th I spent the day once again at the NICU with you and Mason. Daddy was back to work and wouldn't be joining us that night once he was off, because he was really sick with a cold. He felt so bad, but knew as a Daddy he had to do what was best for his boys even if that meant not getting to see them that day. He is such a good Dad and loves you and Mason so much. I could see it on his face the first time he got to hold you. It was getting harder and harder for Mommy to leave you at the hospital. You and mason would stare at me with those big, bright blue eyes. It felt like they were just piercing into my soul. This night was particularly hard to leave for the night. I had spent a lot of time holding Mason the previous day and today I wanted to focus on you and give you some time with mommy. Aunt Jill came to meet you guys for the first time. While she was there I nursed and held you. Mommy didn't know, but this was the last time I would get to hold you as a strong, healthy boy. I left the hospital around 7pm after I fed you and Mason and did your cares. I cried all the way home. I cried to Daddy and he reassured me that soon we wouldn't have to be leaving you and that soon you would get to come home.
Saturday February 7, 2015 is a day I will never forget. It's a day that changed our lives forever. It was the worst day anyone could ever imagine. A nightmare. I got a call at 8 am. It was your doctor. He said you had a really hard night, were sick and that it could be serious. I immediately went to my bedroom and knelt down to pray. As soon as I started my prayer, the sobbing began. I had a bad feeling. I tried to stay hopeful, but you see, all along looking back, I believe heavenly father was preparing me in a way. I didn't notice at the time, but looking back it seems so clear. Daddy was at work and was going to meet me at the hospital. We got to the hospital and saw what no parent should have to see. I won't go into detail, the flashbacks haunt me. Chaos filled your room. Nurses. Doctor in and out. My perfect baby boy was lying there lifeless and so sick. I felt like I was going to pass out. My world was spinning out of control and the mom in me was slowly dying. I couldn't protect you Boston. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless. Daddy and grandpa gave you a blessing. You held my finger tight, I know you knew it was me. During the blessing you tried so hard to open your eyes and look at your daddy. I didn't understand what was going on. The Doctor said you had an infection in your tummy. Later we would learn this infection is called NEC. Three letters that changed our lives. Three letters that would infect your whole body and later claim your life. Things got worse, life flight was called and they were doing everything they could do stabilize you until the helicopter came to take your to Primary Children's. Daddy flew with you, I stayed back with Mason. Soon after you arrived at Primary's, they took you back into surgery to see if they could do anything for you. It was too late. NEC and taken over your entire gut and perforated your bowels. There was nothing they could do. Daddy called and told me to come to the hospital as soon as I could. I knew then that we would have to say goodbye to you Boston. It was too soon. You just came into our lives, I didn't want to say goodbye. Grandma Vickie, Uncle Tom and Mark, and Aunt Jill were all in the waiting room in Ogden. I rode with Tom and Grandma to the hospital. It took forever. We finally got to the 3rd floor, I walked into a room in the NICU and Daddy took one look at me and told me there was nothing they could do. He wrapped me in his arms and we sobbed. I could feel my heart breaking. They had you on life support so we could say goodbye. Daddy held you in his arms as they took you off life support. You were ready to go. Your body didn't want to fight any longer. Daddy and I both felt what we thought was when your spirit left your body. It was approximately 4:45 p.m. We got to give you a bath for the first time and got to dress you. This was the first time you actually got to wear clothes. You are such a handsome little boy even in your diaper, but especially with clothes on. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncles got to hold you for the first time. They were so excited to meet you Boston. I was glad they got this opportunity to hold you even after your spirit had left your body. They all thought you had mommy's nose. I think so too. It was so hard leaving the hospital that day. I had no idea how I was going to live without you here.
Boston Bradley Lewis returned home to heaven after living here on earth for just a short 12 days. I cannot begin to tell you the sorrow that I felt that day. I have never felt so much love bringing these boys into our family, but yet have never felt so sad and empty. Right now I can't tell you that it was meant to be or that this was supposed to happen. I can tell you that I have always had a fear of death and dying. I do not worry about you Boston and where you are. I have never once worried. I know that you are here with me, daddy and Mason and will always be. We have felt you near. I feel honored to be your mom. I miss you so much little buddy. I do not fully understand why you had to leave so soon and why we won't get to see you grow up with Mason. Everyday is a struggle, the pain doesn't go away. Every time I see twins, or a picture of a baby in the NICU, or hear your name I get tears in my eyes. I am grateful for Mason and for the spirit that he brings to our family. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for temple covenants. I do know that families can be together forever, if we choose to keep our covenants and do the things that we are supposed to do. Through this tragedy that has happened to my sweet little family, I know that the veil will be thin and that good things can and will come from this, if I let heavenly father in. I feel like I have learned in this short few weeks what really matters and what is really important in life. My heart has grown X2 and I feel like I now know the way I feel about my boys, the love I have for them, that I would do anything to take away their pain, grief, sadness, that this is the way our heavenly father feels about each one of us. I am so grateful to be a mom. I love being a mom so much and I can't think of what more I could want for my child than to make it back to the celestial kingdom. I know that is where you are. For now, my goal is to persevere through this trial, so that I can make it back to you. To see you grow. You are such a special boy, Boston. I can't wait till the day I get to be reunited with you again.
Love, Mommy
We spent the next week and a half commuting back and forth to the hospital. I was glad you guys were only 20 minutes away, but that still seemed too far away. I always felt so anxious to get to the hospital. Even at the hospital, I always felt such a rush to get in your room and be next to your beds.
On Friday, February 6th I spent the day once again at the NICU with you and Mason. Daddy was back to work and wouldn't be joining us that night once he was off, because he was really sick with a cold. He felt so bad, but knew as a Daddy he had to do what was best for his boys even if that meant not getting to see them that day. He is such a good Dad and loves you and Mason so much. I could see it on his face the first time he got to hold you. It was getting harder and harder for Mommy to leave you at the hospital. You and mason would stare at me with those big, bright blue eyes. It felt like they were just piercing into my soul. This night was particularly hard to leave for the night. I had spent a lot of time holding Mason the previous day and today I wanted to focus on you and give you some time with mommy. Aunt Jill came to meet you guys for the first time. While she was there I nursed and held you. Mommy didn't know, but this was the last time I would get to hold you as a strong, healthy boy. I left the hospital around 7pm after I fed you and Mason and did your cares. I cried all the way home. I cried to Daddy and he reassured me that soon we wouldn't have to be leaving you and that soon you would get to come home.
Saturday February 7, 2015 is a day I will never forget. It's a day that changed our lives forever. It was the worst day anyone could ever imagine. A nightmare. I got a call at 8 am. It was your doctor. He said you had a really hard night, were sick and that it could be serious. I immediately went to my bedroom and knelt down to pray. As soon as I started my prayer, the sobbing began. I had a bad feeling. I tried to stay hopeful, but you see, all along looking back, I believe heavenly father was preparing me in a way. I didn't notice at the time, but looking back it seems so clear. Daddy was at work and was going to meet me at the hospital. We got to the hospital and saw what no parent should have to see. I won't go into detail, the flashbacks haunt me. Chaos filled your room. Nurses. Doctor in and out. My perfect baby boy was lying there lifeless and so sick. I felt like I was going to pass out. My world was spinning out of control and the mom in me was slowly dying. I couldn't protect you Boston. There was nothing I could do. I felt helpless. Daddy and grandpa gave you a blessing. You held my finger tight, I know you knew it was me. During the blessing you tried so hard to open your eyes and look at your daddy. I didn't understand what was going on. The Doctor said you had an infection in your tummy. Later we would learn this infection is called NEC. Three letters that changed our lives. Three letters that would infect your whole body and later claim your life. Things got worse, life flight was called and they were doing everything they could do stabilize you until the helicopter came to take your to Primary Children's. Daddy flew with you, I stayed back with Mason. Soon after you arrived at Primary's, they took you back into surgery to see if they could do anything for you. It was too late. NEC and taken over your entire gut and perforated your bowels. There was nothing they could do. Daddy called and told me to come to the hospital as soon as I could. I knew then that we would have to say goodbye to you Boston. It was too soon. You just came into our lives, I didn't want to say goodbye. Grandma Vickie, Uncle Tom and Mark, and Aunt Jill were all in the waiting room in Ogden. I rode with Tom and Grandma to the hospital. It took forever. We finally got to the 3rd floor, I walked into a room in the NICU and Daddy took one look at me and told me there was nothing they could do. He wrapped me in his arms and we sobbed. I could feel my heart breaking. They had you on life support so we could say goodbye. Daddy held you in his arms as they took you off life support. You were ready to go. Your body didn't want to fight any longer. Daddy and I both felt what we thought was when your spirit left your body. It was approximately 4:45 p.m. We got to give you a bath for the first time and got to dress you. This was the first time you actually got to wear clothes. You are such a handsome little boy even in your diaper, but especially with clothes on. Your grandparents, aunts, and uncles got to hold you for the first time. They were so excited to meet you Boston. I was glad they got this opportunity to hold you even after your spirit had left your body. They all thought you had mommy's nose. I think so too. It was so hard leaving the hospital that day. I had no idea how I was going to live without you here.
Boston Bradley Lewis returned home to heaven after living here on earth for just a short 12 days. I cannot begin to tell you the sorrow that I felt that day. I have never felt so much love bringing these boys into our family, but yet have never felt so sad and empty. Right now I can't tell you that it was meant to be or that this was supposed to happen. I can tell you that I have always had a fear of death and dying. I do not worry about you Boston and where you are. I have never once worried. I know that you are here with me, daddy and Mason and will always be. We have felt you near. I feel honored to be your mom. I miss you so much little buddy. I do not fully understand why you had to leave so soon and why we won't get to see you grow up with Mason. Everyday is a struggle, the pain doesn't go away. Every time I see twins, or a picture of a baby in the NICU, or hear your name I get tears in my eyes. I am grateful for Mason and for the spirit that he brings to our family. I am grateful for the plan of salvation and for temple covenants. I do know that families can be together forever, if we choose to keep our covenants and do the things that we are supposed to do. Through this tragedy that has happened to my sweet little family, I know that the veil will be thin and that good things can and will come from this, if I let heavenly father in. I feel like I have learned in this short few weeks what really matters and what is really important in life. My heart has grown X2 and I feel like I now know the way I feel about my boys, the love I have for them, that I would do anything to take away their pain, grief, sadness, that this is the way our heavenly father feels about each one of us. I am so grateful to be a mom. I love being a mom so much and I can't think of what more I could want for my child than to make it back to the celestial kingdom. I know that is where you are. For now, my goal is to persevere through this trial, so that I can make it back to you. To see you grow. You are such a special boy, Boston. I can't wait till the day I get to be reunited with you again.
Love, Mommy
Monday, January 26, 2015
Boston and Mason's BIG arrival
Who would have ever thought the very next day after my weekly blog update my baby boys would arrive.
Sunday night, Heath and I were watching the Miss Universe pageant and I was having a few stronger contractions that were about 7 minutes apart. I was timing the ones I felt, not the ones that the computer was picking up. After being monitored for an hour or so, the nurse didn't seem too concerned about the contractions. She asked if I wanted the medication to stop them and I said no because if she wasn't worried then I shouldn't be worried......right?!?!
W R O N G
I woke up Monday morning at 4:30 a.m. and I started throwing up. I didn't really think it was too unusual just because I have been sick this entire pregnancy. I did think it was weird how much I was throwing up though. Heath had to work his last 7 days on and as he was leaving for work I found myself not wanting him to go. He reassured me that he was just go and get his work done and come back as soon as he could. I agreed and kissed him goodbye.
After he left I was feeling really emotional and lost it when me nurse came in to do my morning vitals. I kept throwing up and they decided to do my routinely morning monitoring. After being monitored for 30 minutes I was indeed having contractions. They administered two doses of "Turb" which is a medication that relaxes your uterus and makes your heart pump like CRAZY! After that the nurse said everything looked good and there I was left in my room all alone.
There was a doctor on call that came in for maybe 2 minutes to see how I was doing. She said yeah, you had contractions this morning and probably have some stomach bug, but any questions?!? I said no and she left just like that.
I called my mom around 9 am and cried to her and told her how hard of a day I was having. She said she would leave work and just come and spend the day with me. At this time I started having a really bad stomach ache. Almost like the kind you get when you have the stomach flu, but way more intense! I decided to take a bath in my awesome jetted tub in my new hospital suite that I just moved into the previous day. That didn't help my stomach, but was good for my soul :)
My mom arrived at 10:00 and she took one look at me and was worried. She thought that I might be in labor. I called the nurse in to see if she could put the monitors on me again because at this point I was in so much pain and just didn't feel right. She put the monitors back on and I was contracting.... A G A I N. She still wasn't worried though. I asked her if she could call my OB or high risk doctor just to see if one of them could come up and make sure everything was okay. She brought in the charge nurse and they started asking me why I was so worried, asking what my pain level was, and how to describe the pain. These questions are so annoying to me!! The charge nurse said she would call the high risk doctor to come up and "put my mind at ease". Ten minutes later Dr. Gestlaund came up at this point the monitor was picking up contractions about 1 1/2 apart. She said we need to check you like now! She checked my cervix and it was dilated to almost 2 cm and the babies heads were right there! She said we are having babies today!
After that my room was filled with total chaos! Nurses started scrambling under Dr. Gestlaunds orders. My first words were, can we wait for my husband to get here?!? He works in SLC so was about an hour away. They said we could as long as my water didn't break and/or the blood vessel didn't rupture.
My phone call to him went something like this.....
Hey babe, guess what??! It's BABY DAY today! He didn't believe me and first, but he could tell in my voice I was serious. He said he would be there as soon as he could.
They started an IV (or at least tried) 3 different times. Because I had been sick, I was dehydrated and my veins were not cooperating. Third time and different nurse, it finally worked. They started putting magnesium sulfate through my IV which makes you feel so so awful! Hot flashes, face flushed, warm all over, sick kind of feeling. This medication is given to help the babies brains and neurological system. I kept calling heath off and on to see where he was. I had him on speaker and said get her safely, no speeding or breaking any laws. He replied I may be going 90, but I haven't hit 100. The nurses in my room starting laughing.
We watched from my hospital window as heath pulled in the parking lot around 11:50 am. The nurses were waiting for him outside my room and quickly handed him his get up for the Operating Room. He looked so cute in it! He was able along with one of the male NICU nurses to give me a blessing before we went back. It was so amazing and calmed my fears completely! I am so thankful for priesthood blessings and that my husband is able to give me those blessings!
After the blessing, it was time to rock and roll. My mom gave me a big hug and started crying. She was going to wait in my room and stay with me during recovery so Heath could go back with the babies. I remember thinking... sad, this is the last time I will feel them kicking inside me.
The OR was a blur. Everything happened so fast. I got the spinal block while I was looking into my sweet husbands eyes and listening to him tell me that in just minutes our boys would be here. He got tears in his eyes and told me how grateful he was for me. He later told me he thought I was going to squeeze his arm off! I was laying on the OR table and all of the sudden felt nauseous. I started throwing up with my arms strapped down, laying flat on my back, barfing over my right shoulder in a pink little bowl that was being held by my husband. Worst thing ever. I started feeling like I couldn't breathe and that was awful too. The sheet went up, my doctor rushed in and started the surgery. It was the strangest feeling. Heath was watching and I wanted him down by my head so he sat down by me. Within a few seconds we heard Boston (BABY A) start crying. They showed him to us for just a few seconds then whisked him away. He was born at 12:26pm. A minute later, at 12:27pm Mason (Baby B) made his debut the same way as his brother, crying, which is always a good sign! Boston weighed 3 lbs 7 ounces and Mason weighed 4 lbs 2 ounces. We got to see him for maybe a second then he was whisked away to the NICU. They were here. I was so relived and so excited to meet my baby boys. After I got put back together we went back to my room. Heath got to spend about an hour with me before he could go back to the babies. I told him to take pictures and bring them back to show me, then he could go back with them. He brought pictures and they were so tiny and so precious. I was determined to get over there to see them as soon as I could.
I made it over to the NICU around 5:30-6:00 that night. I will never forget the way I felt the first time I saw them. They were so tiny and I couldn't help but wishing I could have carried them for a few more weeks. I got to hold them and they had cords coming out of what seemed like every place. It was pretty emotional. I am so glad things worked out the way they did. I am so happy to introduce my babies!!
Pictures to come... Sorry, I am spending most of these days in Ogden with my sweet boys!
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Week Thirty-One
how many weeks: 31 + 4
Hospital stay: Day #11
how big is baby X2: Baby A: 3 pounds 3 ounces Baby B: 4 pounds 3 ounces
weight gain: I haven't stepped on a scale this week. Clearly the hospital has been keeping me way to busy! :)
sleep: two words: AMBIEN ROCKS!
craving: BC Taco time, kents donuts
feeling: Good. Today has been a great day! Woke up this morning to my brother Tom and nephew Logan bringing by breakfast and got to spend most of the day with them. Tom helped me move rooms... YES!! I got moved to a bigger room. It is so great and has windows with snowy mountain top views. Heath is going to be so shocked when he gets home from work. I didn't tell him the awesome news that we got upgraded! I can't wait to see his reaction. We ate lunch together that consisted of leftover mandarin Chinese that my in laws brought last night (best leftovers!) Then we went on a walk around the hospital...well I didn't personally walk, but my sweet brother got quite the work out pushing us THREE around, I'm sure of it. It was so great to feel the warmth of the sun on my face. I miss that! After they left I took a bath in my jetted tub. I use to request baths a few times a week when there was a room with a tub available since my old room just had a walk in shower, but now I have one in my room. Its heaven. My other brother Mark and his wife Janelle brought hot, melt in your mouth cinnamon rolls by and visited for awhile then my cute new friend that I met here in the hospital came by to visit. She just delivered her sweet twin girls last Tuesday and has been talking me through this whole twin pregnancy/mom process. I am so glad I got to meet her. Currently I am watching Elf, eating Doritos, and blogging.
Appointments this week: Saw the specialist Thursday. Had a lot of questions regarding delivery. We have a baby date!!! February 11 is our scheduled C-section day "tentatively" if nothing changes between now and then. Growths look good on both boys and the best news from the ultrasound is that they have hair!!! You could see the fuzz on their little heads. I'm getting so excited to meet these little guys! And HAIR?!?! I love babies with hair!
gender: All things BLUE!
best moment of the week: Getting my IV taken out! (today) and/or moving rooms has got to be high on the list! I feel refreshed and rejuvenated! I totally got this!
Other top moments:
- had maternity pics taken yesterday by my sweet brother in law that came all the way from Cache Valley! My dear friends Candice and Erin came and did my hair and makeup. I couldn't have done it without them!
-Jill's taco soup (my favorite!)
- Jenny saving the day bringing me all the maternity clothes she had so that I could have something other than sweats to wear for my maternity pictures.
- Getting Shellac toes by Amy and having a girls night!
-All the visitors this week! I haven't even read a book yet. I told Heath today that it's kind of fun being here because I get to visit with so many people without any distractions. We have had so many great chats with my mom, heaths parents, our siblings, friends, ward members, nurses, new hospital friends, etc.
- not having to do laundry. Everyone that knows me knows that I HATE DOING LAUNDRY!! My mom has been trotting around picking up dirty laundry and bring back clean laundry. It's the greatest! Thanks Mom!
worst moment of the week: We had a little scare Friday night while I was getting monitored. I started having contractions that were frequent and pretty intense. After consulting with the doctor the nurse administered a shot that is used to stop contractions. I forgot the name. They went away, but shortly came back later that night, or should I say earlier that morning. I had to get an IV so that we would be ready for an emergency surgery if needed. Luckily they stopped and babies are still in my tummy.
looking forward to: WEDNESDAY! THIRTY-TWO week mark.
random thoughts:
- My cousin Katie sent me the cutest picture of newborn twin boys. I haven't stopped looking at pictures of twin babies since!
- It's getting more and more real that I won't be leaving the hospital until we are parents, but I don't think it will really hit until Boston and Mason are here.
- Will this be my last weekly update?!?
Pictures from this week................
Thanks for all the love and support! I am so lucky to have ALL of you in my life!
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